Blogger: Rachelle Gardner
Back when I was in my 20’s, I went through a phase in which I was extremely unhappy with my looks. My hair, my face, my weight, my clothes — nothing was right. I was buying more expensive makeup, going on fad diets, and spending too much money on clothes in the attempt to feel better about myself.
One day I had an “aha” moment when I realized I was feeding myself a steady diet of fashion and entertainment magazines that featured an endless array of “beautiful people” who would always be prettier, skinnier, and more fashionable than I (and who didn’t exist except as a product of Photoshop). I decided to give up my magazine addiction, and noticed a substantial improvement in my self-image over the next several months. The difference was striking and left a powerful impression on me, and I’ve been hyper-aware of insidious, unrealistic influences in my life ever since, avoiding them when possible.
I learned that I can identify the things that are causing me to be less than contented, and eliminate them. I think we all can stand to ask ourselves if there are ways we can increase our day-to-day satisfaction by paying attention to things that feed our discontent.
For writers, my completely unscientific observation is this:
A major cause of writer discontent is talking to other writers.
Ironic! Talking to other writers is also the best way to get support, encouragement, and knowledge about the industry. Nevertheless, discontent among writers seems to be exacerbated by:
(1) comparing themselves with other writers, or
(2) getting inaccurate information from other writers, or
(3) hanging out in writer loops or chatrooms where discontented writers are venting their woes.
If you’re unhappy with something in your writing life, ask yourself: Am I comparing my sales to those of other writers? Am I comparing my experience with another writer’s experience? (Remember, everyone’s path is unique.) Am I upset about something another writer told me, without having any objective verification of its truth? Am I paying too much attention to the complaints of unhappy authors?
It’s crucial to avoid comparison, and set your own yardstick for success. Your path is not going to look like anyone else’s.
Are you wasting valuable time and energy ranting about the unfairness of the industry, or the difficulties of getting published, when you could focus elsewhere—on writing for instance—and be happier?
Are you worrying about things you can’t control instead of focusing on things within your sphere of influence?
While author loops can be terrific forums for high-minded discussion, too often they devolve into complaints and “piling on,” where everyone feeds everyone else’s dissatisfaction.
If you’re experiencing discontent about your writing life, what can you do to stop feeding that? Is there anything you need to eliminate?
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I hear this sentiment daily in my head. It very well could be a waste of valuable time and energy. Sadly, to my observation, the industry has changed dramatically. I am re-entering the literary world now after an absence of 15 years (since my MFA). There was a feeling of rootlessness after I completed the MFA and I didn’t pursue a community with such vigor. Life happens (marriage, children, working a marketable job, moving, acquiring new marketable skills, then home schooling) and thus, the gap grows and there are more difficulties of getting published after writing again.
I found that now, as a sort of re-entry writer of stories, that the kinds of things I like to read and write are not represented, and thus, my family and I are preparing to launch an independent publishing home-based business that will showcase that kind of work.
By focusing on this, the writing will continue to foster a newfound creativity.
I guess I could be discontented…can’t eat, can’t sleep, academic career’s gone (and my Professional Engineer license will be canceled this month because I can’t afford to renew it), terminally ill, and I have no idea if my career as a novelist will ever take off, bank account’s overdrawn…so maybe I should be really discontented…but I’m not (and I LOVE the bloodhound!).
* I have a loyal wife, and a marriage that is not perfect…but it’s real.
* We have a LOT of dogs who had nowhere else to go, and when I see them I see life overcoming cruel and casual killing.
* The friends I have made here have carried my heart through the dark places with their words and prayers…and visits.
* My fiction hasn’t gotten far, but my blog is reaching people, and they say it’s changing their lives. Still having a hard time getting used to that.
* I can experience the sun and the wind and the storm and the stars, here on this high desert mesa.
* I KNOW that God is near. I don’t need proof, or signs and wonders. I don’t need a healing (though one would be nice). I know that objectively I’m in a bit of a pickle, but God is in the song that animates my heart. Every day is gonna HURT, but I wouldn’t miss it. I still want my tomorrows!
* And I would not trade with anyone, for I am the luckiest man alive.
Methinks you are where God wants you, Andrew, using words to encourage others. Those words flow out of your dark and stormy place, a starry glimmer of hope and peace. Those words are love wrapped in the loyalty of your dogs, the attentiveness of your wife and the encouragement of your friends. Those words shout, “God is faithful” to all of us who wonder where God is in our hard times. May your words declare God’s glory for many tomorrows to come.
Shirlee, yes…the good I may be able to do, from here, would not be possible without the bad, and the perspective would be lost without the experience. It’s perhaps something of the dichotomy of love, both human and Divine; we risk heartache to love a dog or a spouse, and God, seeing further down His road, knew that His love for us would exact a terrible price. But that love cannot be bought at a lower price, and if I can be a channel for God’s love, well, maybe my effectiveness is in direct proportion to how much that holy flame burns the hands that pass it on.
I am lifting up a prayer for healing for you Andrew. God’s in charge of who reads our words. Keep writing and lifting others up. A man with a good wife, friends and dogs is blessed. Keep you eyes on God and he will carry you through the storm.
Sheila, thank you so much! Yes, I’m truly, richly blessed…blessed to overflowing!
The secret is contentment. Andrew, you are content (as much as possible) in tremendously difficult circumstances, but more importantly – you are YOU and are OK with that. And we love you.
I think of so many people who seemed to “have it all” – Judy Garland, Marilyn Monroe – who had the beauty, fame, riches, global adoration, but it wasn’t enough to satisfy that inner longing for self-acceptance. How I wish someone had shared the unconditional love of Jesus with those people before it was too late.
Amen, Sheila. Acceptance is really the key; the key to the Kingdom which has been placed in our hand, at the cost of so much pain by One who loves us!
Andrew, what’s the link to your blog?
By the way, if God ran the universe according to majority rule you’d be healed completely by now because so many of us pray for you. But maybe it’s good that God doesn’t always take our advice about how to do His job. 😉
Janet, thank you so very much! The link to the blog is
http://www.blessed-are-the-pure-of-heart@blogspot.com
Today’s post is offbeat; it’s a first-time participation in a flash-fiction short story challenge. So…if you wanted to see what my fiction looks like, now’s your chance, in open forum.
I do need the prayers. Today’s getting more challenging by the minute. Bad chest pain, and I am working hard to stay upright and conscious. To rest might be a bad idea, and I am REALLY woozy.
Andrew, I love your perspective. And you are an inspiration. Truly. I’m praying for lots more tomorrows for you!
Jeanne, thank you so much. I want those tomorrows, too! But today doesn’t seem to be working out too well. Just have to stay alert till it passes.
Andrew, your blog looks great. I subscribed to is. Of course I’ll keep praying for you.
Thank you so much! The color scheme was a happy accident…I was looking for something ‘serious’, but the mouse had other ideas, and clicked itself on Life Is orange (or whatever it’s called). It was just too smile-inducing for me, to pass it up!
You know we love you, Andrew. You keep us digging and laughing deeper, in spite of all that you endure. You have been a source of encouragement to me for nearly two years now. You had better hang on.
I do know that Shelli; I can feel prayers coming my way, and enfolding me. The opportunity to be hear, to learn and to offer encouragement where I may has been the stuff of dreams. It’s a validation of all the years of life that sometimes seemed to have no arc, the paths that simply ended, with no destination, and not footsteps to call me forward in hope. This is what it all came to mean, right here…and how many people enjoy that blessing, to find their true metier?
I agree with you completely. Comparing ourselves to others leads to dissatisfaction. Reading Stephen Covey’s work was life changing for me. He considered “comparing” one of the five emotional cancers. I also believe in the abundance theory. There’s enough good to go around. Someone else’s success does not take anything away from me.
My mantra in my 20s was to be published by 30. What else does a single woman with no other career aspirations do? That manic thought inhibited my learning and growing, however, because I wanted my writing to be good enough where it was. Who needed blogs and other resources to sharpen the craft? I was on deadline! Oh the discontentment that produced. And what I had to ‘eliminate’ for a time was my writing dreams altogether. Once I knew that living for our Father, whether published or unpublished, was the ultimate ‘career’, I could come back to writing. And now my writing life is focused on telling the best story possible, learning everything I can along the way, no matter how long it takes.
Rachelle, my sister and I just had this discussion this week – we think that a steady diet of Glamour and Mademoiselle as teens (long ago!) set us up for a lifetime of body discontent. It is so strange that our worth in society is so tied to the outer appearance of our bodies, when that has nothing to do with the brains and work ethic we may offer. Smart to distance yourself from that unattainable standard.
When I hear about the success of other writers, I am encouraged, in general. I think persistence is the key. As a results-oriented person, I feel like turning away when I see little movement or progess.
I needed to hear, “Your path is not going to look like anyone else’s.” That was like finding a diamond.
I second this.
I’ve wasted so much time in recent weeks/months thinking how others’ writing paths have all seemed to be a very clean-cut path — A then B then C — within a short time frame. And I’ve been whinging about it, big time. That’s not showing contentment at all, nor is it acknowledging God’s power and ability to do above all that I can imagine. I’ve been denying the fact that my path very well could look *completely* different from everyone else’s on Twitter and Facebook, everyone I’ve been comparing myself to (right now I think social media & forums are my fashion magazines…).
I don’t know why this is such a revelation, but I’m so grateful for it today. Thank you, Rachelle.
Cheyenne, I love the photos on your blog … 🙂 Beautiful. I’ve never been to the UK or Scotland … so I’m soaking in the photos.
The path really has to be where we find contentment. If we’re constantly looking for the tomorrow when the blessing will be ours, we’re simply ignoring the riches that God has placed at our feet, disguised as the dust of the road.
To invite another 19th century poet to the party, James Elroy Flecker did a neat job of addressing this in “The Golden Journey to Samarkand” –
“To Mecca thou turnest,
with burning eyes and lips that swear.
Ah, Hajji, where wilt thou turn
when thou art there,
when thou are there?”
I needed those words too, Shelli! I guess we shouldn’t be surprised God has a unique journey for each of His kids. 🙂
Generally when I find myself struggling with discontentment, it’s because I have unrealistic expectations of a situation, and what I need is a reminder of my role as a Christian.
“Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you shall be your servant…For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many. (Mark 10:43, 45)”
The Prayer of St. Francis is a great reminder when dealing with discontent too–it always puts me right in my place. And yet I’m sure I’ll be learning lessons in servanthood and contentment till the day God calls me home.
Anything I would write on this subject would be foolishness, so I will turn instead to St. Paul, who was perhaps the epitome of discontent. In the 12th chapter of 2nd Corinthians, he writes:
“But to keep me from being puffed up with pride because of the many wonderful things I saw, I was given a painful physical ailment, which acts as Satan’s messenger to beat me and keep me from being proud. Three times I prayed to the Lord about this and asked him to take it away. But his answer was “My grace is all you need, for my power is strongest when you are weak.” I am most happy, then, to be proud of my weaknesses, in order to feel the protection of Christ’s power over me. I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
If we are to be strong in anything, I believe it is to be strong in Faith. I also believe that Salvation is easy to obtain, but difficult to protect. Lotsa luck.
I think Edward Arlington Robinson handled the question of discontent quite neatly, with “Richard Cory”. The asterisks denote stanza breaks.
*Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.
*And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
‘Good-morning,’ and he glittered when he walked.
*And he was rich – yes, richer than a king –
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.
*So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.
Rachelle, you’ve picked up on something I think about frequently. As most authors are do (because they’re afraid not to), I have a presence on many social media sites–and I am constantly grinding my teeth when I see posts from fellow writers telling of success in their writing endeavors, the life they live, things that make me want to break a commandment because they engender envy.
I’ve come to the conclusion that life is like golf. We’re not playing against anyone else. What counts is what we do. And, in the case of most of the readers of this blog, the only one we need to watch is the One who is our true audience.
Thanks for sharing.
My mentor used to tell me “Name the thing you think you need to be happy, and I’ll show you a dozen people who have it and are STILL just as f____ed up as you are. You’re looking for the wrong thing, you can’t have that thing, and you’d probably screw it up if you got it.”
Also – as I have learned at the cost of my faith in anything at all – people lie. Those folks you’re envying (and yeah, we all do that) – they’re most likely blowing smoke. Aside from a handful of “bigfoot” people, the only significant money in the “creative” writing, photography, etc. fields right now is in teaching people how to make big money in the “creative” writing, photography, etc. fields.
Workshops, webinars, “how-to” books, online mentorships… there’s always been lots of money in dreams. Still is. Probably always will be.
Did a story on a local golf pro who’d looked like the Next Big Thing for a while until he flamed out and wound up back at his local course teaching hackers to become duffers and duffers to become high-handicap club members… “Thing is,” he said, “on any given round, just by random chance, all of these guys will hit one shot, and probably JUST one shot, as well as anyone could hit it. He’ll swing and he’ll NAIL it and stand there watching the ball float out there in that perfect arc and roll dead straight to the right spot, and he’ll think ‘all I have to do is do it that way a few dozen times in a row and I could be Nicklaus.'”
“And I own him, from then on.”
Comparison is a soul killer, and a quick way to grind the life out of your own heart.
And to grow a healthy bucket of loathing for people who have done nothing TO ME other than what God has willed for them.
I learned a while ago that for every huge blessing of any given person that we see publicly, we do not see the quiet misery they endure in private.
I know someone who lives in a home easily worth 950,000$. They have beautiful art on each and every wall. They can afford whatever they want. They can travel anywhere. They appear to have it all.
What they also have is a daughter who refuses to speak to them. Grandchildren they never see. And the husband could drop from a heart attack at any moment.
I’m sure they’d happily take a fixed income and a two bedroom bungalow in a less than perfect part of town for the promise that the man will live another 25 years. Or 5.
*I* am meant to be published when and only when God says so. It’s that simple. I still have to wait. I still have to work hard. But as Pollyanna as it sounds, this waiting time has been amazingly good for my faith, my friendships and my education. I am genuinely ecstatic when one of my friends gets a book deal.
I did not used to be, not a few years ago. But I’ve learned that “for such a time as this” is different for each of us.
Yes, NOW would be good. But God’s time will be more than I could imagine.
Well said!
So much truth!
Just read a wonderful excerpt in my devotional yesterday on worry. It ended with this selected adage, “The eagle that soars at great altitudes does not worry about how it will cross a river.” Streams in the Desert
Rachelle, I hope everyone who reads this blog today notices what you said about staying away from the photo-shopped world if you want to feel good about yourself in the real world. Great advice. This is especially important for women with daughters–we need to be setting a healthy example of being content with our realistic bodies and not inadvertently encouraging eating disorders in our children. We are women, not mannequins.
I’m going to encourage myself in my writing life the same way I have in our single income home school family life. Each year as summer approaches I need to fight off the temptation to envy others for the exotic holidays they go on. Each year I say to God, “If You think we need a vacation somewhere special–You’ll provide.” This year I applied that same prayer and it brought me peace. And guess what? My husband who has a good reputation with his customers was offered the use of a cabin on an ocean beach for free. The owner has told us to keep the key so we can use easily. Wow! I love staying on a beach. We go this weekend for our first trip. My husband is familiar with the spot as he’s done work on the plumbing and the well.
So the next time I notice an author is attaining things I would love to–I will say the same prayer while I keep writing, rewriting, and striving to improve my craft. God is good.
Blessings ~ Wendy ❀
Wendy, that is beautiful. God answered your sweet prayer. He honored you for honoring Him, it seems. 🙂
Thank you, Shelli. It encourages me to keep believing concerning more important prayers for family members & friends. He can move mountains if He so chooses—including the one concerning dear Andrew’s health. ❀
Wendy, thank you so much. And, so far, every day is a miracle…that I’m still here, yeah, but more, it’s this: He hasn’t calmed the storm, but He’s opened my eyes to the shelter and open heart, open hand I can give others who are also in its midst.
And yeah, when you didn’t have internet access, Andrew, I was struggling. 🙂
Rachelle, what a great post. And your questions that force me to evaluate if I’m encouraging discontent in my life have me really thinking.
I’m finding that when I’m discontent it’s almost always because I’m focused on what others have that I don’t. Or I’m comparing my lack with someone else’s strengths. I’m always the loser in those situations.
So, I’m disciplining my mind to focus on God, not others. To remember the things God is sharing with me about MY journey. When I keep my eyes on Him, and think on His truths, I find it easier to fight discontentment.
And you know, Jeanne, I think it’s a great reminder for us to always remember to share our lives, regardless of where we are along this journey, in a way honoring to God … not to cause others to stumble, grow discontent. I think I need to ask myself questions: why am I sharing this? Is it vanity, or will this encourage someone?
Those are great questions to ask, Shelli!
Ha ha! My writing goal was to be published by the time I had children…my oldest is 11, but I have had several magazine pieces published now and a novella coming out in September so the goal came, just in a very round about path that had everything to do with learning to become a better writer.
Rachelle, thank you for this heartfelt and important reminder. Too often I fall into the comparison trap– which is sticky, indeed. But grasping on to that “audience of One” concept– opening my life and writing to be measured only in His grace an calling– is so very freeing, especially after slogging through measurements of comparison. Thank you for this refreshing post and all that you do!
A good verse to remember for such a time as this:
“Not that I speak in respect of want, for I have learned in whatsoever state I am in, therewith to be content.” Philippians 4:11
Convicting thoughts and words here. So glad I am sharpened by the outpouring of responses to this very topic area of struggle.
If it’s not ours at the moment, it may never will be, thus we need to be content with that. We are full in Christ alone and his grace is sufficient.
Thank you for your wise words Rachelle. Comparison can be an ugly trap in many areas of life and writing is no exception. I’ve learned to be selective with the writers I talk to but am thankful to have supportive writers in my critique group who generally want the best for each other. My biggest enemy is my own mind and the negative thoughts I harness every day when I sit down to write. Thank you for the reminder of keeping comparisons at bay.
I so agree, Gayla. We are often our own worst enemies. Ugh. 🙂
Rachelle, I love this entry! I’ve seen it happen so often. Times when I’ve fallen in with the commiseration in offices I’ve worked, friends that perpetually harp on the negative—there was even a period in which my husband became sarcastic and pessimistic, and when I investigated, I found the source of the attitude was a talk radio station he listened to commuting to work. And now he listens to Christian talk. Whew! We are all so vulnerable to being mired in the world’s “stuff.” I’m so glad to be part of a network of writers that is not only upbeat, but also one in which we’ve learned to approach God (and the industry He’s planted us in) as children, hopeful and open to his direction. Thank you for bringing up a sorely under-addressed problem!
Good encouragement, Rachelle. I realized not too long ago that I agree with the person (Mark Twain?) who said, “Most of the things I worried about never happened.” Comparing certainly leads to that, as you pointed out. We want to measure up to something other than the measure Christ has given us for our lives.
When discontent starts to creep in, I do my best to turn away…try to focus on little everyday joys that draw out thankfulness for what I have. I also turn up the music:
“Turn your eyes upon Jesus
look full in His wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of His glory and grace”
I used to envy my friend’s writing career. She’s had stories published in Christian magazines, and in Sunday School papers. Then I listened to a sermon on the radio. I don’t remember exactly what the pastor said, but after that I realized that God never runs out of talents to give people. Just because my friend is so talented of a writer, doesn’t mean I can’t also become a writer. She has her niche; I have mine. Now, I enjoy doing the writing I do. I focus on writing and looking for ways to improve. As long as I can focus on the work I have to do, and not be concerned about what other people are doing/not doing, I’m OK. It’s discipline, but it is freeing!
What an excellent article. I have been inspired by other writers and totally
dejected by some. This is so true, look to yourself and God not to others.
I am also inclined to think out of the box. I fully accept the comparison issue you raise. However, we cannot immunize ourselves by staying in an isolation ward. We have to face the reality of comparisons. Paul embraced that idea saying, “provoke each to love and good works”. He also used competitive metaphors, as in “run your race”, but the prize or objective of that race was “looking to Jesus”. The problem is that God made us “subject to vanity” (Romans 8), but in so doing instilled a deeper hope. That “driver” is essential to impel us to create, achieve, get out of our comfort zones, strive for more or reach further, without which we risk being spineless and dull. The armor of the spirit in Ephesians 6, is not intended to block external influences but to strengthen our inner resolve and to thicken our skin, in much the same way that we fight disease best by building our immune system not by staying indoors. At some stage in our spiritual journey, the yardstick of our lives must shift from either self-approval or self-doubt, to Godly approval and “being about our Father’s business”. That means replacing comparisons with God’s measure or plumbline and striving to be like Jesus – a far higher standard than any posed by comparative standards. That frees me to relate quite comfortably with others, but the test for that relationship is that it glorifies God and inspires me to be more in Him. Personally, I learn much through such exchanges and I use them to test my arguments or validate my position.
Limiting the time you spend with other writers might help in increasing productivity, but I also value the time I’ve spent with those few whom I’ve met. But there’s no point in comparing yourself with writers just because that’s what you plan to be– no better seed for discontent. Thanks for the thought-provoking post!