Blogger: Wendy Lawton
I’ve had more than one local friend mention how wonderful my life seems to be. I always chuckle and say, “Oh, that’s just my Facebook life, edited for consumption by strangers.”
Then this week one of my Facebook friends posted a link to this blog post about Facebragging. Gulp! It sort of pulled me up short. When all we hit are the high points, is that a different kind of lie?
Here’s what I’ve always thought:
- Since Facebook is so public I’ve applied my mother’s long-ago note writing advice: Don’t write anything you wouldn’t want to find posted on a bulletin board at school.
- I’m uncomfortable when people share intimate or too-personal details on Facebook. (But maybe that’s just my own reserve.)
- I’ve told my clients to be ever-so-careful about what they post on public forums because, as authors, they are public figures. Everything they post becomes part and parcel of some ever-growing bio.
- I see Facebook as one more brand-building exercise, not as something akin to the confessional.
- So, in practice, I’ve always been aware of who may be reading what I’ve written and what kind of professional image I project.
But. . . after reading the blog on Facebragging and reading another article about the depression suffered by many millennials because of comparing their less-than-fulfilled lives to the Facebook lives of their peers. . . well, I’m wondering if we are doing this right.
Here are some of the questions I’m mulling:
- How does one post a more balanced picture when we know it’s a public forum? There is no way to know that our myriad Facebook “friends” can be trusted.
- If we were to become more transparent, what does it do to our public persona? Do I really want to know about the marital struggles of my favorite author?
- I’ve been convicted lately about the dangers of grumbling. (Read Jesus Calling, October 9th.) If we add all the grumbles of our life to our Facebook page, does that defeat our goal to live above the fray?
- Many of the struggles in my life are not mine to share. A lot of us may seem to have perfect families, perfect marriages, perfect jobs, perfect vacations, etc., when it’s just that the bad stuff is confidential.
- I’ve tried to be balanced in my Facebook posts– some personal, some helpful (sharing links, etc.) and some professional (talking about my work and my clients). Being transparent about some of the things dogging me and sharing some of my deepest struggles feels way too risky to me and would throw the balance off.
- But in letting my natural reserve inform my Facebook content, am I in danger of Facebragging?
So today, I don’t have any answers for you. *Surprise!* I just want to hear what you think.
Is there an inherent danger in creating a fantasy online image? Is there a greater danger in letting it all hang out? Should we stop pretending we know a person via social media and accept the fact that our social media content is more akin to a cheery greeting card than a long, honest letter?
I’m looking forward to hearing what you think.
TWEETABLES:
Is Facebook a safe place to tell all? Click to Tweet
Perfect garden, gorgeous kids, great recipes. . . is our Facebook life pure fiction? Click to Tweet
How can we strike an honest balance in social media? Click to Tweet
Wow! There are so many thought-provoking questions and truths here!
“I’ve had more one local friend mention how wonderful my life seems to be.” Although I have been writing for a number of years (mostly work-for-hire), my online presence is relatively new. Many friends from my community and my church are just getting to know me as a blogger, poster on facebook, and an author. Sometimes when I see someone I haven’t seen in a while I get the feeling that they are waiting to see if I am still that person. . . that person who might be a little sleepy on Sunday morning and rushes in a little later than she planned, that person who feels that pressure of a busy week to come, that person who they used to chat with freely. I am that person – certainly not perfect, certainly seeking God, certainly not “doing it” on my own. I try to engage those folks in conversation (familiar “me” conversation) and talk about how I have been blessed and humbled to write when they bring it up.
What about honesty on facebook? I try not to post untruths (or things that would be perceived that way). As an author, I think of what I might say in front of a group to speak. Things I would share in a chat with a close friend over coffee would be TMI for a public group. My niece (in high school) simply states that anything a person puts on the Internet is there for all to see, or potentially so. Good to remember that.
Sometimes, I use Scripture to speak my heart. I try to use verses that show a praise or prayer that I am feeling. I try to avoid posting things that are preachy. Sometimes, though, I post things that reflect a shortcoming I am feeling in my own life, and I realize it sounds like I am pointing a finger at others. That is a huge reminder that I am a public figure always – on facebook, in face-to-face chats, everywhere.
Carol, I like your first paragraph. It reflects the goal I’m shooting for–to be genuine without being negative. To be a connection without “grumbling”. To be realistic enough to let others feel human, yet inspire hope. To laugh, but not at the expense of anyone but myself. To be honest, but not suck the oxygen off the internet with TMI that’s depressing. I think it’s important to “gut-check”–why am I posting this? There’s been many a time I hit the delete button.
You said it perfectly Anne. I could use your paragraph as my mission statement for social media.
Bravo, Anne!
Amen!
Exactly, Anne!
Beautifully stated!
I’m with you, Anne! I like balance, no grumbling (well, my natural self does indulge in a little of that!) and trying to only find positive things to comment on . I post, but I also go around and find things to comment on, keep track of and to encourage others on FB.
I have such a diverse group on my FB personal page and I have to be diligent and thoughtful about what I post. That probably helps–always keeping my peeps in mind. I’m just now catching up on posts, thus my late comment!
I hear exactly what you are saying, Carol. That’s me as well. To be truthful but careful.
Facebook is a public forum. Anything you post, picture, story or otherwise is apt to find its self on a journey around the world. So my (our) rule is this: If you don’t want the general population to know about an event in your life, don’t post it. So we put positive and negative up but only the things that we don’t mind the world hearing about.
That being said, Facebook is a great marketing tool and a wonderful way to meet new friends and stay connected to old. If we want to share anything really deep we either give a message or phone call.
I think we are only at the threshold of realizing how public Facebook is and how long our posts will endure. Even recently, when there have been mass crimes, do you notice how soon the media has a handle on the perpetrator from social media?
Great and very thought-provoking post! I have two FB pages–my author page and my “personal” page, which has slowly morphed into something bigger than personal. I have lots of author contacts I haven’t met in real life, and though I know many of them, I’ve stopped posting pics of my kiddos. This makes it hard for those who *know* my kiddos, and want updates on them. I just don’t feel comfortable giving them to over 500 friends. So I’m now wondering about creating yet another FB personal page and making it more personal. Probably not going to happen.
I think we have to be circumspect about what we post, but not false. For instance, my FB personal friends can probably tell you what my views are on guns and abortion and things of that nature. They can probably tell you I don’t always have supper planned and sometimes I pray about getting a good haircut. And so many of them have prayed for ME when I’ve posted urgent requests. I’m thankful for FB friends, both my private and my author page friends. But all along the way, to keep perspective, I try to remember that if I died tomorrow, out of 500+ friends, I imagine less that 1/5th of those would show up at my funeral. Morbid, but keeps it real in my mind. My real friends and I can chat via email and we know much more about each other than our FB statuses. That’s the key–having real relationships outside FB, I think.
It is interesting to think of the new kinds of circles of friendship we now have.
I always use my one-call-a-day on you!!
Seriously, though, I could not imagine NOT having you in my life, and we met on your blog, got to know each on FB and I’d give you a kidney if you needed it.
THANK you! I know it!
Looooonnnnng gone are the days of complete privacy.
In the High Andes, we intrepid missionaries would drive along a dirt road at a gazillion feet up, and we’d get all Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom and think “Ohh, look at the nice sheep”. Our worlds collide with the poor Quechua shepherds when they whip out their cell phones and take our pictures. Nothing says ‘you’re not in Chuquisaca anymore’ (Choo-kee-sah-kah)when a 4 foot tall teenage shepherdess whips out an iPhone knock-off and uploads your stunned expression to her Facebook account. From 13,000 feet.
And yes, that happened. Although I can’t entirely prove the Facebook theory. But when they’re laughing t you and pointing at the photo? You know it’s at least going to be shown at supper.
The simple concept of “whatever you say or do, the world can see”, should be enough to tame the verbal barrage one fires into the web. I have seen people rant and rave about the most ludicrous things on Facebook and the thing is, once you put it out there, it is permanently out of your hands.
Wearing plaid and sequins together is one thing, disparaging ANYONE in public is another.
If someone writes brilliance on every page, but she cannot control her poisonous words in a public venue such as Facebook, why would a pub house take on a loose cannon?
Good point, Jennifer and Liz, above…anything we say can come back to bite us! I know I’ve said my fair share of TMI (I recall a smelly cat litter status one time…). On a positive note, I would say that I know you’ll be one of those FB friends who attend my funeral, Jennifer, and that brings me comfort. And I know you are currently shaking your head at my bleakness…grin.
It’s not bleak, Heather. I understand what you mean about your someday-funeral: it’s taking the long view, the whole life perspective. I often try to put things into eternal perspective in the same way.
Cat litter? Isn’t that ‘littre’?
Your funeral ? Hmm. Can we NOT discuss that?? Sniff. BUT…the Vikings sent their warriors to Valhalla on a burning boat, right? Not that something like that would work in WV.
You are so right, Jennifer. I keep reminding myself (and my kids, of course) that we need to live our lives with nothing to hide. Can you imagine trying to do something nefarious in this day and age of social media and cameras on every street corner?
Exactly!! And it’s harder than you think to get away from the law…not that I would know…
In England they have CCTV, the closed circuit network of millions of cameras keeping watch on the public. The shelf life of a crime is very short!!
Unlike here, where we attach Morse code scrolls to the homing beavers and send them down the trail to the RCMP… 😉
Great comments today! Yeah, Wendy, I understand all the points you listed. And, I’ll admit it–I am one of those people who gets down at everyone’s seemingly good news.
I post about light things. Occasionally I’ll share a high moment, but it’s usually balanced and honest. Both of my kids are in competitive sports, so this weekend I mentioned that parents of kids in sports know there are highs and lows, and we had a “high” day.
It’s really tough to be transparent and positive, but not braggy or depressing. Wish I had the answers too! Thanks for tackling this issue.
We need to work hard to keep away from longing for someone else’s life. I follow one person I know professionally who has the most amazing parties– hundreds of beautiful people on their expansive lawns in to-die-for costumes or formal wear. Or other friends who camp in gorgeous settings and those who have fabulous gatherings on their boats. Seeing the amount of time they lavish on “play” always makes me regretful that I never really learned how to play.
I always allow myself a few minutes to wallow followed by a snap-out-of-it moment. God has called each of us to different lives. I don’t imagine Mother Theresa’s Facebook life would have looked enviable, right?
Wendy, pardon me if this is prying, but what do you mean by never really learning how to play?
Jenni, I tend to a little bit of workaholism. And since before agenting we had our own business my work has always been far more than a 40 hour workweek. And we never learned to do recreation like camping, boating, etc. It looks like fun. Like play, but. . .
Yeah–I don’t want anyone else’s life. We all have our troubles! And my life is pretty good! But when you long for something for years and see other people get it…it can be hard. Prayer keeps me grounded.
It’s funny, too, how you mention the friends with lavish parties and such–they sound like interesting people! But from this writer’s perspective, your life is infinitely more interesting! To be at the top of your profession, you give a lot up, and play time is one of those things.
It’s not hard for me to talk about myself AT ALL, or to be goofy. It IS hard for me to keep quiet when people are so obviously over the top in using FB to stir up dissent. That’s why the private message feature is so important!
Love this post. I think there’s a difference between sharing and over-sharing. I connect most deeply with people when I share struggles they can identify with–like trying to keep my mind from wandering while praying, or feeling overextended at work, or overwhelmed by family commitments, or disappointed because a dream isn’t coming true. But if I dip into TMI–say revealing intimate details about my marriage, or a fight I had with a family member, or a legal issue–then I think it’s over-sharing. Maybe the line is between what’s MY information and what’s information that involves others.
Of course, it could be that a bigger part of the problem here is thinking Facebook is real life.
I think that’s the key, Sarah. Realizing Facebook is life edited. It’s like the photos we share. They are almost all Pinterest-ready. we snap a clue-up of the garden at peak bloom focusing on one perfect flower. the camera doesn’t catch the weeds threatening to choke out the base of that perfect bloom.
I think another key is that we have people in our lives who do know about the weeds. If we live precariously in life edited mode, and don’t admit to ourselves that we need a safe community of people to help administer some weed killer, then authenticity suffers, and loneliness encroaches.
Amen, Jenni!
I have to agree 100% on that last comment. One of the biggest problems is assuming Facebook is real. I’ve worked in the mental health field with the Mollys (from the Facebragging blog) of this world. My specialty was highly anxious, perfectionists. They were always expected to achieve and felt the pressure of needing to keep that image or let everyone down. I no longer envy them. I honestly feel sorry for them that they feel a need to prove they have a good life to the entire world.
After some “branding” presentations at Mt Hermon a few years ago, I gave this a lot of thought and concluded that a key component of any brand I might have is complexity. I have a wide range of interests, and an even wider range of friends. Recently I have had people comment about how much they learn/enjoy while reading the conversations between other people on comments I have posted. Part of my “brand” then, is the intelligence level and willingness for civil argument of the people on my friends list. That becomes the first thing I want to protect.
Civility is an important aspect of building a professional brand in social media. And if you want to take about hard things– controversial things– it becomes almost impossible to control comments. It’s like herding cats.
I do have to say, Brian, one of the things I enjoy most about your online presence is the way you share bits of your family. I think you strike a great balance of professional who lets us see his personal side as well.
Thank you, Wendy. I highly value your opinion.
I do think that a refined appreciation of balance in life correlates positively with a taste for pomegranates. Some things just go together.
Made me stop and think. Really timely and convicting thoughts, Wendy. Just today, when posting photos of a family trip, I left out all the ones of my crabby 13-year-old laying his head down on picnic tables at every state park we visited. Not to embarrass him…or me? Not sure of the answers either, but definitely excellent food for thought.
Isn’t it inconvenient when our kids act real instead of giving us constant Facebook fodder? 🙂
I’ll never forget the trip we took to Massachusetts for our daughter’s graduation trip. We visited every museum in the state– or so it seemed. And our poor son hated every minute.
When my husband’s family came to visit us some years ago, we decided to do family pictures. My youngest was a strong-willed three, and he was tired of having people around. He refused to smile, or even keep his eyes open. I can laugh about it now, but it was frustrating at the time. 🙂
Wendy, I so appreciate the way you’ve addressed this topic. As an aspiring, unagented writer, it could be really easy to share only the shining moments in my life. That show “good” Jeanne, even making me sound like the “Facebook life” you described. But even if I share only the most positive elements of my life, that’s only one facet of who I am.
I’m learning how to share other facets of my life, in general terms, in a way that reveal a little more about me. If I’ve had a difficult mommying day, I’ve been known to share my desire for an instant trip to Australia (Think Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day), but I don’t elaborate on what made it a difficult day. At the same time, I think (I hope!) it shares a little about some of my struggles.
As has been mentioned above, sharing information about me that doesn’t denigrate another, and in general terms is something I’ve been known to do. But, as you brought up earlier, I don’t want to be a complainer either (LOVED that Jesus Calling deco). I hope my words will uplift and encourage others, but also be a genuine snapshot into what’s going on into my world.
Honestly, I do try to share more of the uplifting moments of life than the discouraging/complaining/depressing moments of my life. Most Facebook friends don’t need to know the intimate details of my life. My closest real-life friends are the ones I share those with. They know me well enough to filter out the momentary emotion and see into the heart of who I am. Speak truth or encouragement and help me move on from that moment.
Sorry. I know I rambled a lot here. I guess I just “thought out loud” in my comments about my thoughts regarding my Facebook comments. 🙂 Thanks for making me think about this, Wendy. 🙂
I agree with you. I think you strike a good balance here– especially in talk about how a day can go wrong without having to give details.
Of course there are times when we need prayer and we need to share all. I recently saw a post from a Facebook friend about a milestone in the decline of her loved one. That’s a lot of information but all of us can relate and all of us can pray. For me, that’s one of the gifts Facebook has given us.
My approach is much like Jeanne’s. Sometimes on a difficult day I’ll share that I’m having a “Jonah Day” (think Anne of Green Gables). I was surprised to discover how many FB friends are fellow Anne of Green Gables fans.
Wendy, you wrote this post to me. Appreciate your words and all the comments/suggestions from others. As someone who battles comparing herself to others and always falling short, I sometimes take a FB fast for a day or so because FB can feed my tendency to make comparisons.
Me, Judy! I love Anne of Green Gables! 🙂
Sometimes I appreciate some of the more weedy posts on FB. Recently, someone I know only by reputation posted about an emergency in her family. I could immediately pray and also asked my local friends to be on the “lookout” for the person they were looking for. I tend to keep up with so many whom I love (you included, Judy) by dropping by the FB page or reading a post.
I’ve always thought it was understood that Facebook was not for showing all the warts in our lives. Sure, there’s always someone who has to post about every squabble they have with their boyfriend or every time they stayed up with a sick kid. But most people realize it’s like a photo album. You show the ones you want to remember, right? So this weekend I didn’t post a picture of my daughter crying in her homecoming dress because she thought she was fat (so not). I rarely record my bad days, if at all. I see it as a place to share cute things your kids did, let people see what’s going on in our lives more or less, and to market. I don’t assume that just because someone posted a happy picture with their spouse that they have a good marriage. Or that because they share their writing successes, it means that they never face rejection. I thought this was understood. But maybe not?
I like your analogy to a photograph album. That’s perfect.
And I’m with you. Because someone shares a triumph I never assume their life is all roses. We still need to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how Facebook creates a false sense of interaction. Now, I have made a lot of friends (mostly writer friends) using facebook and other social media. And that has been wonderful! But there is definitely a difference between interacting online in a public forum and my interactions with friends one-on-one in a coffee shop. There, I can be completely real. Online, of course no one is going to get a complete picture of who I am. They can, however, see snippets of my life and what I enjoy: my doggies, my writing, singing/performing, books, food, etc. For me, my blog is where I get real. There, I share struggles in the faith that I’ve had — though I’m still careful not to share details that are overly intimate or inappropriate to air publicly. I share the links to my blog on my facebook wall.
Thing is, my blog posts are not fired off without a thought because I’m upset and want everyone to know it. I think that’s the thing with Facebook. It can too easily become a place for grumbling and instant commiseration. That’s what I try to avoid with my posts, mostly because the world already has enough negativity! However, I agree there is the dilemma of balancing “being real” with being overly positive.
No answers here either, but thanks for making us think!
It’s good that you have made a distinction between the level of transparency on Facebook and that of your blog. Because your blog is a destination for most readers there’s a higher level of interaction. Interesting.
Love that, Lindsay. Social “layers.” Facebook is superficial, your blog is a bit deeper, personal e-mail might go a bit deeper still, and if I want you to really know ME come have a cup of tea at my dining room table.
Is that an invite, Sarah? 😉
When I first signed up for Facebook and then Pinterest, Wendy, discouragement met me at every login. Everyone seemed to have such a better life, and I knew I could never measure up. But then I wised up by reading a couple of blog posts and examining the pictures and updates more closely, and I suppose I’m rather cynical by now. Even the people who look like they have it all together have plenty of problems they aren’t sharing. What’s interesting to me is the notion that we share everything with close friends in face-to-face conversations. Do we even share everything with our spouses? I’m not saying we deliberately keep secrets. But there are some parts of life that we just don’t share. Or maybe I’m just too private….
Your post is timely for me since I’m preparing a blog post for Thursday for Hoosier Ink, the blog of the Indiana Chapter of ACFW. I’ve recently been thinking of Facebook as an opportunity for ministry. What could I post that would encourage and inspire my “friends”? Sometimes, staying at home with children, I feel like I am very limited in my ability to minister to others. That’s so much of why I’m seeking publication. But right now, right here, I have the world at my fingertips…literally. Bits of Scripture, prayers, encouraging quotes, all can be used to uplift without sharing our inmost turmoil. I do share struggles…but very carefully.
What a great topic, Wendy. It’s a tightrope walk!
One of the pluses I’ve appreciated is that in following local people, especially people from my church and faraway family members is that we get to follow some of their everyday life. It gives a great starting point for conversation and going deeper.
But you are right, even if our own boundaries feel small, the world is at our fingertips. Such an opportunity.
Don’t you love it that so far, nobody has mentioned using Facebook to sell books. I’m so glad that we see that as a natural outgrowth of the relationship/ ministry you are talking about.
Walking the tightrope.
My public comments on Facebook are usually in the make-believe world of the “Facebook happy place.” The way I look at it, FB is not reality, and using it as an outlet for personal struggles isn’t its real purpose–any more than I would use it as an outlet for my political opinions (hint, hint). However, I do have a variety of friend lists that I use as a way to filter content when I have a post that would be more appropriate for some than others. For example, I have a friend list for writer friends, a list for Christians, a list for family, etc. I realize that anything I post to any of those lists may become public, so I’m still thoughtful about posts, but using lists helps me post to target audiences instead of blasting things out to everyone whose “friendship” I’ve accepted.
I’m with you on the political diatribes. I am very interested in politics, but I’m intentional about keeping it out of my online persona. It’s a divider, not a uniter.
And I agree about filtering content and having circles where the innermost, smallest circle is your most trusted friends. I do have this worry however that nothing posted online is safe from being someday, somehow released, no matter how deeply buried in the inner sanctum.
As Christians, we’re called to authenticity, so a fantasy online presence is inconsistent with my faith. That being written, I believe there are distinct lines between my brand, NLBHorton, and my person. Again, treating my writing as an entity, with all the corollary “billboards” (pinterest) and “ads” (twitter) and “newsletters” (facebook) becomes a firewall between those components and my daily life. One ironclad rule is that I NEVER post photos of my family, and do no more than allude to them on my author platform. Nor do I reveal exactly where I live beyond the “Rocky Mountains.”
All that being written, I’ve had a blast building my author platform, and watching followers interact, as well as tracking their trajectories from facebook to website to youtube videos. But there’s a difference in followers and friends.
Regarding social media, I think discretion and authenticity are key.
Now, back to the biggest pile of post-fishing and -hunting laundry you’ve ever seen…
I know many people who feel as you do about posting family pictures. I don’t exactly understand it– I know it’s for safety but there are so many more ways “in” than Facebook. The posts I enjoy most are the ones where people share their family. For instance, it’s been such fun to get to know editors as new moms. I’ve worked with them professionally but seeing the joy in their families is deep and gives us a new way to pray for them.
And following my clients through their family life lets me have a whole “nut her layer in which to know them. I hear you about being cautious, but for me, I love the family pics.
I have worried as well about sharing family photos, and my husband and I have spent much time discussing and praying over the issue. But so much of my online persona is homeschooling mom, so I’m not sure how I could not share photos. Plus, my “friends” love them. I know my online presence has grown because of my references to my family. Like I said before…tightrope walk.
I think it all boils down to follower demographics, Wendy and Meghan. More than 50 percent of my following is male, and a number of those are international. They’re following me for the theology, archaeological discoveries, and mountain living (according to a poll I ran early this summer).
If I were writing romance or historical fiction with a targeted female readership, I’d view sharing personal information as something that could strengthen the bond between author and reader. Since my children are adults, with lives and careers of their own, I’m at a different stage of life in terms of parent-child interaction when compared to the home-schooling years.
Lastly, I look at authors I read as to what they share and mimic their policies. They hold the family card close to their chests.
Wow, Norma! You do know your reader. That’s pretty impressive. I’d say you are doing exactly what you need to be doing.
I simply can’t be completely transparent on Facebook. I am a pastor’s wife and live in the fishbowl anyway. But I do try to show pictures of my dogs and grandkids and share a scripture or a funny and try not to “boast” about any of them. It’s a difficult balance, to be sure! But some things, in my opinion, just aren’t anyone else’s business.
I’m thinking the more likely we are to have felt the sting of judgmental people, the less likely we are to be transparent. (And I’m only guessing how difficult it can be to be a pastor’s wife.)
But I like that you share photos, though. That’s half the fun. And grandparents’ boasting is forgiven and expected, right?
I love your posts, Karla, and I think you are doing a good job. You strike a chord with me, too. Being the wife of an ER doc I’ve found that I have the same sort of dilemma as a pastor’s wife and I relate to so much what you say!
And my husband has said I could not mention his name on FB, so I have even found a way to sometimes mention him–but I’m quite guarded about that. 🙂 It has made for some interesting exchanges to say the least!
I touch on this topic in my book “Isn’t it Time for a Coffee Break?” because I think social media can in many ways hinder our authenticity and also has potential to distract us from connecting with people in more meaningful mediums. Yet, it also can be a great tool to keep in touch with faraway friends and get to know people we wouldn’t otherwise meet. Even though I have a personal profile and a public page, I still treat my personal profile with a bit of professionalism. I do talk more about my family and kids and struggles there, but even when I do I make sure the story is mine to tell and is done in a way that doesn’t “spew” on people. When I share struggles, I try to do so in a way that’s either light-hearted, helpful, or in a manner that encourages others to know they aren’t alone. I’ve also discovered on Facebook that people like to help – whether it’s brainstorming a writing project or asking for prayer. This whole topic could be a book! It’s such a tricky thing to navigate, and one we definitely need to consider in prayer and not take lightly.
You’re right. A book of social media etiquette would make a great handbook. I still use my Emily Post and my Letitia Baldridge on business etiquette. Do people still care about social mores and what is appropriate? Hmmm.
But yes, the danger is that social networking can take the place of real interaction.
What a timely topic. And weighty too. I struggle with social media because I’m not an overly social person. I don’t think people care much about what’s going on in my life, but when I do take a chance and post something more personal, those are the posts that get the most attention and raise my Klout score. So it looks like I am out of balance in the other direction.
I think we all think the same thing– compared to everyone else, my life is a yawn. Who would care? And yet it’s like reading a novel, we come to care about the characters– about our FB friends– and we want to know more.
Before I began using FB ‘personally’ I looked at what other writers were doing, and tried to approach it from that angle.
While readers may want to know ‘me’, I suspect that they want to know the person that is reflected within what I write; the ins and outs of daily life are of less interest, and can even be detrimental.
To some degree a well-liked author is a hero to readers – and no one really wants to discover that their ‘immortals’ are really just people.
It’s the ‘Wizard of Oz’ thing – do you REALLY want to be the little man behind the curtain?
Andrew, I think that you’ve been quite transparent in this blog community, and inevitably many of us will become your readers. Authenticity is endearing. I agree that viewing the ins and outs of life can get tedious, but sharing the life-changing, pivot point parts can enrich others when we share them.
I appreciate knowing that my hero author is just a person. And I want my readers to see me in this light as well.
Again, it’s that balance we are seeking, right? It’s hard to achieve but we sure know it when we see it in others.
I’ve been feeling like I need to be more vulnerable and honest on FB. I’ve seen the odd person become facebook disgruntles, where everything they say is a complaint, and I just don’t want to be that person. So because of that, and because I don’t want to put out all my private life information yet I know I need to be more vulnerable, I have gotten to the point where I don’t really post much. It’s so hard to know where to find the balance of it.
I think most of us read through our newsfeed quickly so a funny rendition of a potentially grumbling event plays very well. Case in point, I just read a funny literary-like description of Amanda Dykes event– dropping and breaking a full jar of honey. The way she wrote it was delightful and yet we all know what her afternoon will be like.
And sometimes a post is just honestly real, like when someone lets us know they just lost a parent, for instance, or they are dealing with a life threatening situation and that kind of need-based sharing is good. We can gather around and pray right through the medium of Facebook.
Wendy, what kindness!! I’ve untangled enough from the honey now that my hands are free to type this and say– you are such a blessing!
Facebook is my happy place. 80% of my blog traffic comes from FB. I am very transparent on my blog – that’s part of my brand – to make people think. So I am transparent on FB too. It’s not a concern for me because I’m that transparent in person too.
When I share about difficult and hard things, it’s to always provide value whether it’s on my Profile or my Page. People are much more interested in following my Profile than my Page, because I’m more personal there. That (to me) is the point of social media. It’s a place to get to know people.
Perhaps it’s a generational or cultural thing to be wary of the Internet — to hoard our privacy, but I think we’re given good and bad experiences to help us grow — and when we only share the good and never the bad we’re depriving people of the wisdom we’ve gained from that experience. Helping other people through sharing those experiences gives meaning and value to the bad and hard times.
But, I’m clearly in the minority here… lol
You may be the minority but I’m so glad you chimed in. I’d love to explore the demographic possibility you brought up– that comfort with sharing may be a generational or cultural thing. Fascinating hypothesis.
I do observe that many of the younger bloggers are much more transparent and value transparency in others. I’m heading off to Allume next week. I may have a better read on it afterwards.
I’d never heard of the Allume conference you mentioned, so I checked it out. Have a wonderful time! How could you not?
I prefer the “cheery greeting card” way of posting rather than the long series of personal journal entries. My attempted eloquence on wall updates might be vexing for some, but my love of cadence in language is hard to bury.
It’s tough when I read a post that has a ellipsis or a sense of foreboding. I feel as if I should know what the person is referring to, but I don’t, and then I speculate, which we all know leads to futility.
As far as my author page goes, I try to share things that I would want to know about a favorite author. Story inspiration, research trips, interesting historical tidbits about the setting of my story, the ups and downs of seeking representation, etc. But I learn the most about my possible readers when I ask questions. Their opinions are something I crave because I desire to build a long term relationship with them, and nurture it the best way I know how.
Yes, Jenni, I like the cheery greeting card as well. I like the smiley faces. 🙂 I mean, who couldn’t use a little more cheer in this world?
I like that you are reader-focused in your mind. Not a bad thing at all. As stated in my last week blog post. 🙂
I’m a bit paranoid and never post anything about my personal life, kids, or grandkids on Facebook. Even if all my “friends” are good people I don’t know who else might see my posts. I also don’t mention when I’ll be away from home since I’ve been told that lets burglars know when to break in, but how can I publicize book signings and speaking events without doing that? How dangerous is it really?
I may be a Pollyanna but my feeling is that if someone is that motivated to break into my house, they’ll figure out another way if not from Facebook. Of course I do make sure to mention Gunther, our pit bull, from time to time.
Wonderful post! I too was convicted by the Jesus Calling devotion on complaining!
My mom taught me to KISS. (Keep it simple stupid)
. . .and so my bottom line of author marketing comes down to this:
Figure out where your potential readers are gathered – then go stand in front of them.
I’ve. . . been meaning to ask this but I was hesitant, reluctant and downright squeamish.
My new YA novel has 144 characters.
Do you think it’s okay to name my een-age female protagonist, Twitter?
Hint: She is a bit of a twit.
Sorry: Teen – not -een. I got my “tweens” mixed up.
Uh…no. It’s a trademarked name, and they could make life uncomfortable, even if they couldn’t force you to change the name.
The owners of Twitter undoubtedly have house lawyers, and just being forced to answer a suit of copyright or trademark infringement is not cheap.
Andrew answered your question on my behalf even though I sense it was a little on the tongue-in-cheek side.
Maybe the problem is that behind a screen and through social media we can actually be the person we wish we were. As a mom, maybe I don’t want to deal with the pile of dishes, laundry and toys scattered on the floor. It is much easier to post cute quotes my kids say, or to snap a picture of the loving hug between siblings (and the only friendly interaction they had all day, but I don’t need to say that, right?).
I try to be real, because I don’t want people to meet me in person and feel cheated. I am also a pastor’s wife, so I don’t want anything I say to affect my husband, our church, or our denomination.
I share blog posts, I share quotes and fun facts. But once in a while, I don’t shy away from posting that my kid peed in the toy aisle at Target, or share a picture of my pile of laundry with the girls jumping in it like it is a pile of leaves. I ask questions.
And I think of my Facebook page this way (much like my writing): it is not about me, it is about the people that come and visit for a while. I want them to feel encouraged, loved, and know that in our brokenness, we are not alone.
Excellent, Ellen. It feels like you’ve hit the perfect balance for you. And the funny kid stories are a gift to the rest of us.
I know exactly what you mean, Wendy! Facebook can swing between the extremes of “Look how fabulous my life is!” (gag) to “I think I’m coming down with a urinary tract infection.” (Did. Not. Need. To. Know.)
Since so much of an author’s life naturally veers to the “Look at me!” extreme (gag), I try to balance it with glimpses into real life – but NEVER anything that I don’t want my husband, kids, pastor, editor, agent, or nonbelieving reader friend to read. NEVER. So I post about dumb things my dog ate, or pranks my kids pulled on me, or my dying laptop. Just some glimpse to show that I’m human. That my only houseplant barely clings to life. That I’m two weeks behind in laundry. Speaking of which…must change loads 🙂
Your examples of extremes are hilarious Sarah!
Yep. Exactly. And by sharing your houseplant confession you become more real to everyone. Great balance.
What..Sarah!!! You have a urinary tract infection!
Seriously, I think the FB thing is hard to balance. I love being able to stay in contact with people I know and realized that we can real conversations that we would have with real people it is time to take a second look.
Great topic Wendy
..and you can come over anytime..my children are ALWAYS behaved and the house is SPOTLESS..
signed~ Pinocchio
Wendy, this is a thought-provoking and necessary post. I don’t feel we need to air all our dirty laundry, but nor do I think we should brag. My favorite statuses are the real life ones. The Erma Bombeck moments, when life is just silly and fun and flawed.
I’ve been considering my blog in this way lately. I’d hoped to inspire others in their walk with Christ, but then realized some of the posts made me sound like “I’m doing this right. You should do it like me.” Yuck! I’m trying to make a concerted effort to show the journey to getting it right, rife with pitfalls, and the moments God pulled me out in spite of myself. I know I’m more willing to relate to those I find human and flawed, muddling through like I am. Those were the people in the Bible who inspired me to continue to live a life honoring to God. Perfect people give me no hope for who I can be because they seem to be born that way. Oh well, why keep trying.
We do keep trying because many of the greatest success stories come from failure. It helps to know the whole journey.
Good insight and sensitivity.
But, you know, sometimes I do just want to find someone doing it right who says. “You should do it like me.” Especially if it has to do with systems or organizing or technology. So don’t shy away from that when you have expertise to share.
Donnie’s question about the use of the name “Twitter” for a character brought another FB issue to mind.
If you’re ever named in a lawsuit, anything you ever put on the Internet is fair game, and you have to provide access. (Same goes for blogs.)
Even if, say, you’re hit by a car and injured, the defendant’s lawyers will try to use FB posts to smear your character if they can.
Nasty practice. But it is used routinely.
It’s true. Part of the public record. I’ve seen reports of cases where disability has been challenged because of activity photos on Facebook.
You have opened my mind up to consider something I’ve never thought of. I’ve never thought about people reading my posts and comparing their life to mine. I’ll be pondering that thought as I post in the future. Thanks for stretching me!
But don’t let it stifle you either. We can see the difference between bragging and sharing– the intent, the heart, comes through. My guess is, if you worry about it, chances are, you’re not doing it. The ones who blatantly Facebrag generally do not have a lot of self-knowledge.
I think we can share some personal. And surely, most “normal” people know none have perfect lives. I love how Beth Moore handles things … she usually talks about the hard times after they have passed, sharing just a little … just enough for one to know her life is “normal,” too (in case they didn’t already know!). We still have to be cautious … my husband always reminds me, what you put out there lives forever, whether you delete it or not.
Wise husband. And yes, that’s a good suggestion, share during the aftermath not in the maelstrom. We’ll have much better perspective and outlook then.
I’ve learned so much from you about Facebook and other social media, Wendy. A couple of things guide me.
1. Is it the right place to be real? Yes. But maybe not the right place to be vulnerable.
2. That means my “real” had better be God-pleasing, because that’s my ultimate life-goal.
3. Is my post designed to drum up sympathy? I’d be better off phoning a friend, better still taking it to the Lord in prayer.
4. Will it brighten someone’s day? Even the story about sandhill cranes in my orchard? If so, good enough reason.
5. Will the post make me look like a writer in constant crisis or constant misery? If I were an editor or agent, I’d “unfriend,” much less run when approached with a manuscript.
6. Sometimes the all-happy, all-the-time posts are an intentional attempt to live according to Philippians 4:8-9. Not an exaggeration of the wonders of life, but recognition of the wonders of life.
7. Personally, if the post won’t somehow benefit the reader, even if only with a chuckle, or won’t enrich the readers’ life, faith, or writing/reading experience, it shouldn’t go out. Do I always succeed in remaining disciplined to this? No. Working on it.
8. I have a photo of a beautiful hanging basket on my deck. I use it when speaking for women’s retreats, telling the “rest of the story.” Just to the left, out of the frame of the photo, lies my broken septic tank and a torn-up yard. When I see a Facebook presence that’s exclusively pretty flowers, I assume that like it is for me, there’s more to the story. Everyone has a story to tell. Some of them involve broken septic tanks. Because of my hope-that-glows-in-the-dark branding, I want to reach out authentically to them.
9. The world has an overabundance of hopelessness. Does my post offer hope? Hit send. Would it make my mother/pastor/agent/Jesus cringe? Hit delete.
Great points, Cynthia. And I especially love your #6. That’s how I see the always-pleasing posts. That’s exactly how I want to look at life.
Cynthia, I appreciate the parameters you’ve set up for yourself, and that you shared them with us.
What if I drum up sympathy about the broken septic tank? 😉
Also, I want to have a constant recognition of the wonders of life, because then I remember who to thank.
Wendy,
This is SO good, and such a timely topic. Thank you for addressing it and asking the questions we’re all asking in our hearts.
I’ve learned that what we see on Facebook is rarely the full story. Not because people are being intentionally false (although that happens too), but because a digital newsfeed can never reflect all the facets of a person’s life and heart. It is a 1D or 2D mirror, and people live and see in 3D.
So on Facebook, as in life, there are always facets that aren’t visible.
For instance, there are those who post something bright or happy or encouraging on Facebook, not because they’re feeling ANY of it, but because they’re struggling with horrible discouragement and determined to speak light rather than darkness.
There are people who post scores of perfect, smiley photos, but they first deleted all the ones that were bad lighting and frown-riddled.
There are people who post about a huge purchase or exciting trip, but don’t go in to detail about the excruciating years it took them to save or fundraise to get there.
I think Facebook dumps on us an amplified, concentrated version of the responsibility we already have in our homes, our communities, and our churches: to honor God with our thoughts about our fellow man, our thoughts about ourselves, and our thoughts about Him.
I love the Ian McClaren quote: “Let us be kind to one another, for most of us are fighting a hard battle.”
I pre-assume that quote as the first truth with every Facebook post I read.
I also pre-assume that there are at more facets to the story, that I haven’t heard, and don’t see.
Last, (and this is one I am wrestling right this minute, because of something I just saw on Facebook today), I work my brain through John 21:21 and Jesus’ reply. What He chooses to do with others is up to Him. What He chooses to do with me is my responsibility.
Thanks again for sharing this great post. Love it.
Kelli
Good words, Kelli. I love that quote. I think kindness is one of the most underrated traits these days and Facebook gives us the opportunity to listen and to be kind to each other.
Great reminder.
I agree that we don’t need to air our dirty laundry or let people in on the details of our lives. I think we can be honest about who we are without doing that. I try to be who I am, and I think that’s mostly what readers want from social media… to feel that they know our personalities; that we’re authentic. They don’t need to have insight into the inner workings of our lives to do that.
Exactly. A good writer can let the reader know who the “character” is with just a few deft strokes of the pen. It’s the same with Facebook. (And you do it well.)
Great article! I have some of the same values! Thanks for sharing!
It’s interesting you used the word values. I think that’s a key to what we show people on Facebook. It’s our values that show.
Wendy, I, too, am very careful about what I post on Facebook.
Interestingly, I am much more candid in my blog posts and even more transparent in my manuscripts. In addition to the reasons you mentioned in your post, another concern of mine is knowing how quickly a comment or a post can spin out of control in Facebook. That gives me pause!
It’s definitely tough for those of us who might be a little high-control. 🙂
I’m torn on this. There are social conventions that make the universe work. When someone asks, “How’s it going,” there are contexts in which the right answer is “Fine,” no matter how it’s really going. With close friends the answer will be different. There is an epidemic, apparently, of Facebook-induced envy and consequent depression, and all this makes me shake my head. I use FB for social connections, to keep up to day with far-away friends and family, and to try to encourage and bless and give a few smiles. And prayer requests. It is the social meet and greet, and might not be a great venue for all my trials and tribulations. Still have to sort it out.
The key word is in your third sentence– context. To someone like you who understands the context and the medium, it’s so easy to strike the right balance. Plus you use humor more effectively than anyone I follow. That’s a powerful tool.
Wendy, you have tapped into a huge issue in today’s modern world. (anyone else miss the Pre-Facebook Days?) All these responses bring up many key points we as writers have to consider.
I try to share pictures because that is a big part of who I am, the real me. I do not touch up pictures of me. Some are better than others.
I no longer share photos of my little grandson per my daughter-in-laws request due to the fact I have a public, not private site. I respect her wishes. I can mention Grandparent Mondays to my little hearts content though, with her blessing.
I do not believe Facebook is my political platform.
For me the key is not to compare sharing. Every individual has a different life by God’s design. I have good days and bad days like anyone else.
The real me is out there, to a point. I share about taking tea, being a dog lover (which garners the biggest responses both on Facebook and in person as a result of Facebook), Lake Tahoe ~ my second home, and more writer-type shares on my author page.
The biggest response ever was the to the Manuka honey and cinnamon remedy I shared when I had common cold. And it works! I credited Pinterest with this little gem. This resulted in helping a young woman who lives nearby to our local health food store where I bought my products, and many others that gratefully discovered, this works!
Though I must admit walking the doggies, and their sometimes funny, sometimes life-altering misadventures, touch the hearts of fellow animal lovers and outshines all.
Respect is another key. Being careful what I say in response to others posts and comments is just as important as what I post.
We are writing a story on our Facebook pages. I think as long as we chose the five “W’s” and an “H” we write with honesty, modesty, and courtesy, we can keep a needed balance.
You outlined a perfect STRATEGY for using Facebook. You know who you are and you know who your readers on Facebook are and you connect appropriately. Perfect.
I think the key is, once we’re familiar with the medium, to develop a strategy that works for us and accomplishes everything we want to accomplish– whether it is staying in touch with old friends, finding readers for our books, helping young mothers, showcasing our photography or whatever. Right?
Right, Wendy. Thank you for this blog. It was a convicting check.
Very interesting post, Wendy. I have my personal Facebook page and my Author Facebook page. One is listed as Linda Rawlins and the other listed as Linda Rawlins, author. They have different photos. My author page has one of me at a book signing.
With my personal page, I only have my closest friends and my privacy is set to private for many things. I do not accept strangers there. I still have limited photos now that the privacy rules have changed and still am cautious as to what is posted there. Digital is forever!
I treat my Facebook author page as a public page. I use it to disseminate information such as book signings. I post items that reflect thoughts in my books, i.e. -interesting photos of the locale in which my books are set. I will post important literary items such as the Nobel prize winner for literature. My public author page is reserved for professional posts that give an overall thumbnail impression of who I am. I do not post personal photos, family photos, political opinions, reactions to other posts or inflammatory posts (esp. things that are not vetted.) I will also post my book trailer there, but overall it is reserved for a professional picture of who I am as a person with the same standards as if I were in professional office.
There will always be others who feel you are bragging but I have had people say they love my site as a form of clean escapism. I tend to post a lot of encouraging reminders to relax and live each day, one at a time. I tend to love the expression – Some days are diamond and some days are stone. We can only do the best we can and every day brings a new challenge and accomplishment. That is the theme and focus of the author page.
Hi Wendy!
I am very new to facebook – I like it but under the right circumstances. I still feel like it gets too personal and frankly I’m afraid of personal information falling into the wrong hands… That being said, I’ve decided to “embrace it” as the editor who is very interested in my new children’s book asked me to do so. My agent recommends it too. I trust the opinion of professionals and so I am striving now to find, as you wrote, the right balance. I so enjoy posts such as yours so do keep at it – I like the high school bulletin board approach too! Wise words!
Blessings to you and so glad to be “connected” in this electronic way!
Melanie
(writing as Ann Nichols)
I like your statement of not posting on Facebook, what you would not post on the bulletin board at school. Allow me to take it a step further. I would not post on Facebook, what I would not staple to that phone pole on the street corner.
Let’s face it. The whole world has access to our posts.