Blogger: Mary Keeley
Today’s topic is an extension of Rachelle Gardner’s post yesterday on etiquette but focuses specifically on sensitivity at conferences. Prepare for mental overload as you take in workshops, general sessions, and meetings with agents and editors, but be ready to give back too.
Writers conferences are great venues for reconnecting with 
writer friends and others you’ve met online but not in person. Critique partners often attend the same conference so they can learn and encourage each other and spend time together during free times and meals. Agents and editors look forward to connecting with each other too. Collectively, as our minds race to get where we need to go and make the most out of your conference experience, we often don’t notice the person next to us who is in need of a warm greeting and hopes of gaining friendships in the Christian writing community.
Last year when I blogged on this reminder for all of us, I told of a dear friend who attended a conference by herself. She decided to start a new table at lunch and let God choose her tablemates at the table for ten. Nine people who belonged to the same writers group took the remaining seats. She commented that she couldn’t break into their conversation no matter how she tried. The one time someone initiated conversation with her was to ask her to take their picture. She understood it wasn’t personal, that they were just enjoying being together. She also felt God had a lesson in it for her. Having experienced this herself, my friend now looks for a person already sitting at a table, alone, and asks if she can join her. Giving back. She said it works well unless the person rushes to say, “Sorry, all these seats are saved,” without a second glance or even a smile. Again, nothing personal but it stings nonetheless and, unless your emotions are fortified with titanium, it is hard to resist feeling rejected, especially in an environment where creative people already are braced for rejection by agents and editors.
I have observed instances like these myself at conferences. And I’m quite sure I have unwittingly been guilty of not recognizing and initiating conversation with an introverted conferee or a first-time attendee who doesn’t know the ropes. Agents and editors sometimes host tables at lunch and dinner as part of our faculty role. It’s our opportunity and privilege to talk with each person who chooses to sit at our table and to give them our full attention as they describe their WIP.
I watched sensitivity at work during the Oregon Christian Writers Conference a few years ago. A writer who was sitting at the snack station with friends noticed a very young girl sitting at another table by herself. Had the writer not approached this shy teenager, we might never have learned her story. The girl had just graduated from high school and travelled, alone, from her home in Alaska to attend the conference. Her passion and determination to become an author was so great that she was an inspiration to many other conferees and faculty. She gathered a community of writer friends she could stay in touch with from Alaska. Blessings back and forth.
Together as faculty and conferees, let’s be watchful to balance our time with friends and moments when we can exercise sensitivity at conferences.
Can you think of additional instances when you put your conference sensibilities to good service? When have you felt like an outsider at a writer event? What happened when you spoke to someone new to you at a conference? At what other venues can you reach out to new writers?
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Manners Matter: 15 Etiquette Tips
My son’s friend was moving in the middle of the school year. I asked him what worried him the most about his new high school.
“Whether I’ll have to eat lunch alone,” was his answer.
I went to my first writer’s conference with my sister-in-law. On my own the second time, I felt a lot like my son’s friend. Unlike your friend, Mary, I was never excluded from conversation. But I didn’t always feel welcomed.
What would Jesus do? I’m sure he’d be having a memorable heart-to-heart with the strangers-no-more at his table.
“What would Jesus do?” That’s a good reminder to take with us wherever we are, but especially at conferences. Attendees’ minds are preoccupied with connecting with friends and faculty, taking in information, and preparing for pitch meetings. Faculty members are busy too. It’s understandable that we don’t notice someone who is alone and lost in the shuffle. So let’s be deliberate about reminding ourselves of that question. Now where is my old WWJD bracelet…
“Whether I’ll have to eat lunch alone.” That’s such a good illustration of the angst. It takes a lot of courage to attend a writer’s conference when you haven’t yet grown in confidence as a writer and when you haven’t the extra people support. My reaction to this is that we all have a certain amount of vulnerability when in awkward or new situations. Being sensitive to others is always a good way to be. This post reminds me of two fitting words, Be Kind.
Amen, Norma.
A good reminder. We sign up for these events hoping to “get a lot out of it”, but perhaps God is calling us to “give a lot to it.”
Yes Sheila, conferees invest time and finances and should expect to get a lot out of a conference. Helping another writer to connect so they can get a lot out of it, too, adds another layer of fulfillment, don’t you think? Both-and.
Mary, what a great post, and timely reminder. I’ve definitely been the one to feel overwhelmed by groups at a writer’s conference. Groups I wasn’t a part of. I love your friend’s heart and bravery to sit at a table for ten, and then to handle the situation with an eye to see what God had for her to learn.
Another place within a conference I’ve learned to reach out a little is in the classes at a conference. I’ve met a couple people, and then stayed in touch simply by sitting near someone who was alone and saying hello. We never know what that will mean to someone else down the road.
Jeanne, yours is a lovely example of a gesture that obviously meant a lot to another writer. Thanks for giving us food for thought.
Going to a conference or any similar event (or participating in an online community like this one) is a part of ministry, and I believe that we”re called to live and show the witness of Life and Love in our words and actions. No days off, and neither snarkiness nor neglect is allowed.
That said, we do have our individual gifts. Some are great ‘welcomers’, with open hand and ready smile. Some are good listeners, who can lend confidence by being attentive to one who may be trying conference-conversation wings for the first time.
We are all given much, if we care to examine the ‘ Signature of the Divine’ on our hearts. It’s incumbent upon us to know this, and offer these in communion with those whose lives we touch even briefly.
And we have to learn to accept the outstretched hands of others. Giving is the field and receiving, the harvest. The one is barren without the other, and the second impossible in isolation.
Have to give the phone back to Barbara for the day, but this is a great topic, and I’ll enjoy reading everyone’s comments tonight. Thank you for posting this, Mary.
(Life with internet-via-phone and no email is still weird…)
Well said, Andrew. That’s the heart of it.
How about shedding those pre-conference jitters?
Before Indy ACFW 2013, I stayed at friends’ for a few days, which helped calm my nerves. Had I not had that opportunity, I’d have probably been caught smoking in the parking lot by the time I registered.
In fact, the friend who drove me downtown was so “concerned” over my nerves, that he “helped me” loosen up. We stopped at a pharmacy so I could buy lipstick (when I’m stressed, I buy lipstick, it’s a quirk, whatever, it’s cheaper than shoes, right?).
(MAN warning, stay away if you’re squeamy)
So this old friend of my husband and I,(we go back 20 years) we’ll call him Peter, comes with me into the store because the neighbourhood is somewhat rough. All the way from their house in the burbs, into town, I was chattering like a chipmunk on dark roasted Colombia coffee beans. Yes, beyond wired.
Anyway, just as we go in the doors, Peter YELLS (yes, all caps) “Hey, Jennifer! The tampons are in the far corner!”
The entire pharmacy went deathly silent. All I could hear was gasping. And then all anyone else could hear was me laughing.
As Peter said, as I paid for my lipstick, “Hey, you were kind of nervous. I thought I’d help loosen you up before you meet all those bigwigs. You’re welcome.”
Between that, and my mantra of “Nothing is worse than Bolivian airport security”, I survived my first few hours of ACFW.
So, let’s review”
-bring enough lipstick
-wear waterproof mascara, it lessens the harshness of the “happy-ugly cry”
-no one is there to pounce on you
-the 6’4 Norwegian author dude will get more attention than anyone thinks possible
-leave room at your table for the straggler who is flustered and upset
-wear comfortable shoes, and since I already mentioned feminine hygiene products, wear comfortable underwear
-know when to find a place to hide and phone your spouse
-bring chocolate. That is actually serious. Nothing calms a stressed out newbie more than a kind gesture. If that gesture includes Dairy Milk? Even better.
-a short wave hello to an acquaintance at the next table over at the Zone Breakfast will turn into a deep friendship that you won’t be able to live without.
-be ready, in season and out, for God to blow you away
I wonder if that was long enough?
Just the right length, Jennifer. Your friend’s loosening you up technique had me laughing out loud. Maybe you should try some humor writing if you haven’t already.
I’ve not been to many conferences. Only one national ACFW one. It was fun and I experienced some of those big round table talks. The one thing I might add to Mary’s list is to do your best not to try to dominate the attention of the agent or editor who has been assigned to “host” your table. Give everybody a turn even if you do think your idea and book is the one the agent or editor would most like. We are all so full of dreams and hopes at those opportunity tables. So practice your “elevator/round table” pitch and then give your fellow conferees a chance. The dinner I’m recalling, I wasn’t pitching a book. I was simply listening but one of the people at the table did try to turn every conversation back toward his project. And then when the “important” person wasn’t talking and was listening to others at the table, that pushy one was totally uninterested. So be nice and take turns.
Good tips, Jennifer. And I’d say you met your match in the humor department. 🙂 I’m still laughing.
Ohhhh,yes. With him? Most definitely.
We’re writing a movie, “Dueling Behaviour Problems”.
The theme song is “Any Law You Can Break, I Can Break Faster”.
I went to a Beth Moore event once … only 500 in attendance. It was like a small church gathering … wonderful. I didn’t know anyone and felt out of place. I made my way to sit down … and Donna Pyle welcomed me to sit by her. We’ve been good friends since. She’ll always be special to me … we said our 24 verses together that we had memorized over the last year. :)Then … a shout out to Jennifer Major who asked me to share a room with her at the conference this year. How many people would do that? Not many. Jennifer is so loving and caring. 🙂 Since this is my first conference, I didn’t volunteer for anything … though Dallas is near to where I live … but even though I’m somewhat shy, I am a natural greeter … I get that from my mother and maybe being southern. I pray the Lord gives me a chance to use my greeter side. 🙂
Annnnnnnnd now I’m all sniffly.
Love you, too, Shelli!
Shelli, you are such an encourager. I always appreciate the comments you share with others here. I am soooooo looking forward to meeting you in Dallas!
Oh, Jeanne … I cannot wait! You know you have a hug coming! 🙂
Thanks for preparing me for my 1st writers’ conferences this summer, which I will attend alone. As a widow, I am accustomed to the anxiety of having to join strangers at the table.
Ella, I hope you have a great experience at the conference. Don’t hesitate to be the one to greet someone else. Hopefully, an understanding that attendees’ minds are preoccupied will help you to not take oversights personally.
Although I am out-going, I felt awkward at the first conference I attended. Since then, I always introduce myself and ask what the person writes. This is easy to do while waiting for a class or a meal. It’s a great ice breaker!
Susie, I imagine your approach has been a blessing to more people than you are aware.
Thanks for this wonderful reminder. I have been ignored by some at conferences and welcomed by others. I learned early on (in high school when I moved across country) that not everyone likes to entertain strangers. But I’ve also learned to put aside my own pride and approach others who might be feeling lonely. I’ve made a few awesome friendships at conferences! In all honesty, I’ve probably been guilty at times of ignoring others who could have used an encouraging word and I pray that as I go to Blue Ridge to Sunday, my heart and hands are open and welcoming to those I’ve never met before. Thanks for this lovely post!
as I go to Blue Ridge *this* Sunday….I need an editor… 🙂
You’re welcome, Elaine. I look forward to seeing you at Blue Ridge.
Wait. We have to talk to people at a writers conference?
Yep, you do, Jasen. Be a blessing, reap a blessing.
Mary, this is such a wonderful reminder of the importance of reaching out with love and understanding to others at conferences. Thank you for sharing.
I’m reminded of a large conference that I attended several years ago. I was sitting at a lunch table with a friend, who happened to be a finalist for one of the conference awards. We struck up a conversation with another person at our table, and I mentioned that my friend was a finalist. This new acquaintance brushed off the award nod with a brief comment about how familiar names always final.
My friend was a bit shocked and still managed a kind response. But I could see that she’d taken a blow. Later she confessed that that one careless comment had really hurt.
Award wins and nominations aren’t the defining measure of success, but they do give us an opportunity to cheer on our fellow writers and celebrate with them. And that memory always reminds me that even flippant comments can shadow a great conference. I’ve made it my mission at conferences to meet people right where they are. If they’re celebrating a new contract, an award nomination, or interest from an agent, I want to be in their cheering section. If they’re struggling with a painful rejection, feeling a little lost, or just overly emotional (let’s face it, conferences have all the feels), I’ll offer a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. By keeping that in mind, I’ve gotten to share some pretty amazing conference experiences. And I count that as a win.
“…to meet people right where they are.” As in coming alongside. That’s a mission worthy of our adopting. Thanks for the idea, Liz.
And you do this so well, Liz! It’s always a joy to see you at conferences.
Excellent reminder. This is probably the main reason some folks like the smaller conferences and avoid the larger ones. We all must remember we are His Servants first, writers seconds.
So true, Karla.
As one who grew up feeling like I never quite fit in, I can’t bear to see anyone left out. I think this was why I enjoyed coordinating the Buddy System at the Mount Hermon Writers’ Conference for so many years. I loved connecting people and knowing that everyone who signed up would at least arrive at the conference feeling like they knew someone. I naturally gravitate toward those who are sitting alone, seem lonely, or are hurting. So I guess all those years of being a lonely nerd are now benefiting others. Praise God! (I mean that.)
20 years of attending conferences has taught me that people bring a lot more with them than writing goals; they also pack painful experiences and sad situations at home. When I saw this question, “Can you think of additional instances when you put your conference sensibilities to good service?” I immediately thought of woman I met at Mount Hermon four years ago. She had health problems and was clearly going through a difficult time, so it didn’t take a lot to overwhelm her. I was going through a hard time as well, so maybe that made me more sensitive toward her even though she was negative and a bit unpleasant to be around for very long. One morning I saw her sitting alone at a table and asked how she was doing. To be honest, I just wanted to get to breakfast and find my friends. But when I caught on that she was fighting back tears I sat down to find out why, handed her a napkin (I’d run out of tissue), and tried to encourage her. I sensed God reminding me, “Friends have been very kind and supportive to you during this conference, now it’s your turn.” After we talked we walked to breakfast together. I never did find my friends, which felt fine to me. I’m not sure if I succeeded in cheering her up, but she seemed to appreciate having someone reach out to her. I felt like I was doing exactly what God wanted. It was a good reminder that there is more to life and to conferences than our personal goals.
Sometimes all God wants is for us to stop and notice someone.
Thank you for this great post, Mary.
I loved the buddy system at Mount Hermon. After that frightening first year, it was fun to come alongside other newcomers and be their cheerleader. I’m still good friends with many of them.
I’m still friends with many of those people too, Karen. Including you! I feel so blessed.
I have fairly thick skin and it’s kinda hard to hurt my feeling but I have no idea what to expect when I roll into my first conference later this year. I know there’s going to be lots of information to absorb but I have to believe I’ll get nearly as much out of glad-handing and socializing with my fellow travelers.
And Jennifer- that’s the kind of situation I would put any of my friends in, though I might lean towards birth control, medical marijuana or something for cole sores.
A good reminder, Mary. Just got back from the NWCW Renewal where I have been welcomed and treated warmly. So wonderful. It is good to be on the lookout for someone new who is needing a friendly face.
Although, as a person who attended a conference every year for four years all by myself…sometimes that person is an introvert and actually likes sitting by herself. Weird but true. I went for the info and that was it for those 4 years. Then I started going with my sister who is much more social and now we talk to people and stuff. But yep, I had a blast sitting by myself and reading a book during lunch. But I have learned to talk to people and to enjoy the social time as well. It was a stretch for me…cause I love to read, but growth is good, right?