Blogger: Wendy Lawton
I spoke to two different clients last week who apologized for not being in touch and/or not getting me things. I also got some requested proposals from last year’s writing conferences that opened with “I’m sorry to have taken so long. . .”
Well I’m here to say “Shame off you!”
I first heard this surprising phrase from my friend Robin Jones Gunn. I believe I was doing my periodic grousing about not getting enough work finished or some such thing and Robin put up her hands in a sweeping motion and declared, “Shame off you!” What a difference from the nagging finger wave we constantly give ourselves and others that says, “Shame on you.”
I was born with a well-developed sense of self guilt. Even when I was little if someone asked, “Who spilled the . . .,” I was sure it must have me, whether I could remember it or not. Someone who feels guilt tends to over-explain and overachieve just to make up for imagined shortcomings. Yep.
I realized I haven’t come such a long way in that department last week when I sent an email to our esteemed Books & Such founder and president (and my good bud), Janet Grant. I carefully explained I was taking a couple hours off Friday afternoon and taking Monday (President’s Day) off to finish my office reorganization which has slowed to a crawl. After I sent it I had to laugh at myself. In the first place, Janet doesn’t care when we work. All the agents at Books & Such end up working 50 to 60 hours a week. We don’t punch a time clock because there’s no other way to get the work done and try to read manuscripts than to put in the hours.
Not only that, I was talking about taking time off to work in my office. Duh!
I used to feel guilty all the time. What did I feel guilty for? Not getting to manuscripts or proposals from potential clients. Having a backlog of client proposals to get out. Having a massive list of nudges and follow-ups I need to do. Never having all my work done. Ever!
It reminded me to keep working on one of my New Year’s resolutions. I resolved to try to move through this year without wallowing in guilt. There’s no way I will ever finish everything this side of eternity. I’m always going to be disappointing someone. It’s the nature of the beast. Editors and those in publishing face the same situation. We all need Robin Gunn to stand by our sides saying, “Shame off you!”
I hear it from my clients as well. “I’m so sorry I haven’t gotten you anything.” Or, “I feel so awful that I haven’t made any money for you.” Or even, “You work so hard with me and my books just aren’t regularly making the bestseller lists.” Goodness! Shame off you!
And not only clients, I hear it from writers seeking representation. You won’t believe how many times an email opens with “I met you a number of months ago at a writer’s conference and you asked to se my proposal. Since that time [insert all manner of horrifying situations] and I’ve been unable to get it to you. Please forgive me. . .”
Truth? If we asked to see your proposal it’s an open invitation. I certainly don’t mark a calendar and start ticking off days against you. If there was a reason we needed to see your work immediately we would have told you. Otherwise, send it when it is ready. I’m not going to castigate anyone for taking a long time when it’s probably going to take me a very long time to get back to them. We need to just offer each other grace.
So that was my confession. How about yours? Do you put undue pressure on yourself? Do you ever catch yourself saying self-shaming things? Have you put impossible tasks on your plate and then beat yourself up for not getting it all done?
Shame off you!
Thank you, Wendy, for adding a lovely phrase to my lexicon.
* Guilt is my accountability for a misdeed. Shame is my (often inappropriate) feeling about a genuine (or imagined) failing. The word “shame” brings to mind the Hebrews 12:2 description of Jesus: “for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame.”
* In mercy, Jesus covers my guilt with his blood. In grace, he says, “What shame? No shame!”
Shirlee, you are so wise. How I’d love to sit and have coffee with you!
I’ll bring the brownies!
This is so freeing. As a writer seeking representation, I get myself psyched out about having to have everything done and perfect even though I’m a single mom of two children. It may just take me longer to finish my proposal than I’d hope and that’s okay.
It IS okay. Because we are playing on a spiritual field as well as a temporal field, we understand that sometimes these delays are God’s timing. Had you gotten in your proposal when you first wanted to send it, the agent may have been overwhelmed and unable to give it a fair and unhurried consideration but because you were delayed, it hit at exactly the right time. Who knows?
It’s amazing how quickly we forget grace exists.
What is it we say in the office? “It’s all about grace.”
🙂
And Michelle is talking about the Books & Such main office so that is a secret about us– we do extend grace because you have no idea how much grace has been extended to us.
What a relief! I’m a slow writer/editor – if someone can do it in two weeks, I’ll probably need 2.5-3. It feels like I’m always apologizing for taking longer, even though I know that the extra time lets me do my best work. It’s nice to know that not everyone’s watching the calendar and waiting.
Never worry about taking the time you need. I represent some phenomenal writers who are pressed by readers and the publishers to do at least one book a year but the quality they turn out and their own style of research and writer simply won’t allow it, so we negotiate appropriately. Quality is what matters in the end.
If I told you how many times someone told me to stop saying, “I’m sorry . . . ” I’ve struggled most of my life with operating on guilt. I love that saying from Robin Gunn. “Shame off you!” I need to remember that one.
*Maybe it comes from being an oldest child, but I definitely put undue pressure on myself, to accomplish things, to be the best person I can be, etc. I’m good at giving others grace. I need to work on giving myself more grace. 🙂
*Thanks for the encouraging post!
I keep saying it Jeanne, we must be kindred spirits. . .
You’re a great person to be kindred spirits with! 🙂
I can so relate to this. Guilt rides on my shoulders constantly, and I’m continually paying his toll. I’m not sure why. After a surgery about two years ago, I’ve relaxed a bit … taking it easier on myself. But I’m sort of at a stressful time … one daughter about to graduate high school, another needing to start driving … there’s so much to do. I’ve been mentally charting the items of importance lately … I don’t want to let anyone down. 🙂 That old saying about there not being enough time in a day or hours in a week sure makes sense now. 🙂 I’m going to remember that phrase … shame off you. Thank you, Wendy and Robin.
Shelli, you said one thing that stuck out to me– “charting it mentally.” Don’t do it. Put those things down on papers you don’t carry that cumbersome To Do List in your head. Both Rachelle and I recently did a brain dump and put every niggling thing on paper and then scheduled it. You can’t imagine the freedom! We need to leave our mind free to be creative and to be present to those around us, right?
So true. I do chart everything on the calendar. And in my manuscript work, I write down everything so I don’t forget it. But yes … all these little things working up to my daughter’s graduation … it’s things that don’t have a date or deadline … but I need to make a deadline for myself and chart it on the calendar … so I don’t forget and like you said … to be free. Because it is stressful trying to remember. Thank you, Wendy, for that prompting.
Life happens. It has a way of veering us from the path of our intended destination or, stopping us completely. When God is your co-pilot you’re less likely to drive around the roadblocks He set in place, ultimately arriving at your goal in perfect time.
A favorite motto in our home is: “Jesus take the wheel!”
Yes!
Wendy, What a wonderful expression, and a great concept to go with it. I’ll admit that my default position is to say, “I’m sorry”…even when I really have nothing to be sorry for or about. Thanks for the reminder.
I thank Robin all the time for this.
I LOVE this! And I adore Robin. I remember sitting AT THE SAME TABLE as her at ACFW 2013 and doing my best not to squeal like a serious fangirl.
Although, I was well past “babbling idiot” by the time my ginger ale arrived. More into “here’s a napkin for your drool, honey”.
Annnnnnnnnyway….what a fabulous phrase!!
I learned that concept in 2008 on my first mission trip to Bolivia. I was desperate to know I was doing things right, when my director took me aside and said “You need to understand that it’s not about doing things right, which you are, it’s about understanding that God sees you through the eyes of Christ’s sacrifice. When you accept that you’ll always measure up in God’s eyes, you’ll free yourself of a lot of guilt and fear.”
BOOM. Game changer.
The enemy trowels on layers of guilt and weighs us down. Jesus picks them up and they evaporate in His hands. “Shame off you!”
Bless Robin for teach that concept, she’s an amazing daughter of the King.
Thanks for sharing the Gospel. I needed to hear it, again.
You’re welcome.
That conversation hit me like a tonne of Paraguayan harps. (One of the heart breakers was from Filadefia)
From that moment on, I approached life in a completely different manner. Oddly enough, I’d never heard that concept. The simplicity of it blew me away. And I think we Christians get caught up in so much deep theology, we forget the very basics of redemption and newness.
Great example and reminder, Jennifer.
I love that, Jennifer. And I’ve noticed in life that when we think we’ve made a mistake or done something wrong, not done something right … God had it covered all along. Something wonderful happens to show us that God is always in control. And that takes a load of stress off. You always bless me.
Great post, Wendy – and rather apropos for me, as I’m in the position of looking at what might have been. Except for finishing up a few things – I hope – my race is nearly run, and not even shame will get me to where I dreamed I might be.
* By nearly all of the standards I might care to apply, I not only fell short in my personal aspirations. I failed, and when the night’s at its darkest I think I can see the reasons for failure. Lack of focus, mainly, and dissatisfaction, always wanting a bit more, something a bit more compelling..and turning away from what had seemed to become mundane. Go for the Gold? Doesn’t mean you’ll get it. And the Bronze you spurned may seem, really, to have been good enough after all as you fall past it to the bottom.
* And this is where it might stand, because there is perhaps little time left, and less energy. No temporal action can set things ‘right’, and not even God Himself can redeem the lost years.
* ‘Might’, because there’s one other thing, and it’s the thing that makes all the difference –
“We learn from each other and rise higher by helping others…There (are) no rights while living, only obligations and responsibilities.” – Al Sever
* And that is what makes the difference. The shame I have felt, at not meeting my goals and standards of performance, is really worth nothing; my dreams were and are meaningless. What matter, ALL that matters, is that I kept my hand extended in an offer of help, and made good on that where I could.
* It’s the one thing I did right, and I’m good to go.
Andrew, I have a family member whom I’m frequently trying to lift up because he has a problem measuring up to his own standards, especially where faith things are concerned. He is harder on himself than anyone in the world is, and frankly, he doesn’t deserve his own criticism! I don’t know you or your life, but I believe this: God may not call back the years, allow us to time travel and alter history, or grant us a do-over, but He can redeem our lives and our influence for good. And He can do so in a single moment. In fact, He may have planned our lives for that one moment. And we may never know personally when that moment is or was. Now in all honesty, I have to admit, I have problems holding on to this belief myself about myself, but in my heart of hearts, I know it’s true. I’ll say a little prayer for both of us that we do the best we can for as long as we can and give Him the rest. In Jesus’ Name.
You’ve hit on an important and powerful truth, Andrew. It’s not what we accomplished, or how well we did it that will be tallied on that day we get to stand on the right side of King– it’s how we loved. How many people we touched.
Even in these days– the ones you see as getting close to the finish line– we, here in this blog community, see you as a master encourager and a lover of people. When you stand before the Lord wouldn’t it be fun to find out your greatest rewards come from this time of great pain instead of your years of amazing accomplishments? You’ve poured yourself into so many other writers that your wisdom will continue on in their lives and their books for generations as will your own testimony and your words.
My verse for this year and my word for the year seem especially apropos for you. My verse is Philippians 3: 13-14 and for me the key part was forgetting what is behind and moving forward.
My word to explore this year is “weak.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10) My friend, Vicki Heath says, “Weak is the new strong.”
Yikes! All that to say, you have no idea how many are cheering your race and deeply affected by the way you are running it.
Oh, so amen to that! Our weakest moments in our mind’s eye may be what contributes to our greatest reward. Lovely. “Weak is the new strong” … I love that.
Yes and AMEN to all that Wendy said, Andrew!
There is no way to say what a blessing you’ve been to me and are to me, Andrew.
Wow, this is very timely. I am feeling like a complete and utter failure this morning. Not sure if I feel any better, but it is good to know that other people, who look so poised and are successful, also struggle with shame and guilt. I’ve been clinging to Matthew 4:16 this morning, just plugging along and trusting that things will look more hopeful at some later date. “the people living in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.” Thank you so much, Wendy. This is such a good reminder.
All I can say is “shame off you!” Forget what is behind and press on. You verse says, “a light has dawned.” I love the dawn because it marks a whole new start. I can’t tell you how many times I thank God that his compassion and love is new every morning. Every dawn. 🙂 (Lamentations 3: 22-23)
Thank you, Wendy.
Shame is the steed spurred by pride, and whose reins are held by the devil on what he intends as a one-way ride to hell.
Interesting to think of pride being behind shame. . . hmmmm.
I never thought about shame this way before. Makes sense to me!
There you go again, Andrew. Giving me a mental image I’ll carry into eternity (not on that particular horse, thankfully).
And here all I want is an agent. With no apoligies. Go figure.
It is good to have a clear cut goal. 🙂
This was so different and so refreshing. You really hit me with “Even when I was little if someone asked, “Who spilled the . . .,” I was sure it must have me, whether I could remember it or not. Someone who feels guilt tends to over-explain and overachieve just to make up for imagined shortcomings. Yep.” That’s me to a huge extent. Thanks for taking the heavy off me today. 🙂
it helps to know we are not alone in our guilt-ridden-ness, right? Or should I say former guilt since from today on we are changing?
Great!
Love it.
Stealing it.
Shamelessly.
Thanks.
Great. Maybe it will make up for all the wise stuff I’ve stolen from you.
At work, I’ve made a conscious effort to change how I request days off. I just e-mail a request along these lines. “I’d like to take Friday, April 1, off.” That’s in place of, “I need to take my Dad to an appointment and catch up on some things at home, so if possible, I’d really like to take Friday, April 1, off.” I EARN days off to use at my discretion so long as they don’t conflict with my job duties. No explanation needed.
It’s harder than it sounds 😉
I love this! And I understand how difficult it is.
Yes, Sarah. I have finally gotten to where I can say “no” to things without feeling the need to give an excuse. That’s freeing, too. I’m a grown-up … I know what I need to do, what I can do … and I don’t have to give reasons in every situation. 🙂
Sarah, your past way has definitely been one I’ve used . . . as if my reasons for needing something have to be explained so that it seems acceptable. You’re right. We don’t have to explain ourselves. 🙂 Just thinking on what you shared. 🙂
It takes strength to admit weakness. Thank you, Wendy. As an elementary school teacher, dad, husband, and an aspiring writer, I feel surrounded daily by self-inflicted guilt. I don’t think we were created to feel that way. We all need to extend more grace to ourselves more often, don’t we?
Absolutely! You wear a lot of hats and there’s much energy and emotion that needs to go into each one of these assignments.
Well I do understand it, but I do think it’s different if you are running your own business. No one is paying your bills when you take time off, or get slow in getting results. I do put pressure on myself because when I’m late and backlogged it costs me clients and hits my bottom line. Being married to a literary agent I understand how it can take ages and ages to reach deals, but I don’t think you can get where you want to if you just let things happen. I think a little guilt is fine if it gets you where you want to be.
I hear you. I had a multi-employee business for more than 25 years. Payroll day was a huge motivator.
You say a little guilt is oaky but I’ve found that guilt costs me so much in creativity and energy. I’m trying to develop habits of diligence and to find my own tools to spur that over-and-above motivation.
It continually blesses me that I can relax into the reality that I will only be caught up once…when I am “caught up to meet Him in the air.” Until then? Grace on me!
I love this. (Although I still long to be caught up every Friday.)
I LOVE this, Cynthia! As a wife, mom, writer, friend, daughter . . . I can’t ever truly be caught up with everything. But I will be caught up into the air one day. I’m taking that thought with me. 🙂
I remember hearing Robin speak at a women’s conference many years ago, back when I was just toying with the idea of writing fiction. When I told her my story idea, she answered with, “That’s a faith story! Have you considered writing Christian fiction?” That was a pivotal moment for me!
Robin used the “Shame off you” bit in her talk. I remember it well because she had us all repeat it with hand motions: “Shame off you. Grace on you.” It still gives me chills!
So powerful!
Oh, Wendy, this comforts me. I’ve always had an overactive conscience that causes my face to redden when someone asks, “Whodunnit?”
One morning In chemistry 12 the teacher mentioned he was wondering who had set the garbage bin in the girls’ washroom on fire. As he scanned the faces of everyone in the class, I squirmed in my seat even though I was innocent.
Finally his eyes settled on mine and he said, “Wendy, you don’t need to look guilty because you were absent that day.”
I wanted to die on the spot. But as you can see—I didn’t. Amen to: “Shame off you.”
Blessings ~ Wendy Mac
Oh, Wendy Mac … that is priceless. “You were absent that day” … love, love, love that. Cutest thing!! 🙂
Oh Wendy Mac, we are kindred spirits.
“Hear, hear!” Guilty as charged. Boy does this resonate in my little corner. My sense of duty is overpowering. I can take on false guilt, apologize when there is no need. I’ll have to apply “shame off you.” It’s a great phrase.
I have a few friends who live pretty much guilt free. I long to join them.
Thank you for these words today. I place a lot of guilt on myself, whether it be not writing enough to whether or not the dishes get done on a daily basis. I especially appreciate the fact that you are not “ticking off days” after inviting a proposal. I admit, after conference last summer, I imagined the agents with a big red cut off line on the due date for manuscripts following conference. It is nice to put life in perspective and realize that I’m not the only one that life overwhelms!
🙂
Well Amen and Hallelujah! I just learned a new phrase that is about to be incorporated into the lexicon of regular vocabulary used among my tribe. “Shame off you!” indeed!
And children need to hear this as well. Instead of shame, a little repentance and quick forgiveness is so much healthier.
What a kind twist on that adage. I too feel I’m to blame for everything. Thanks for this healing word.
I do have a website but i am not ready to launch it. Sorry about that:)
😉
Why yes, this is more or less exactly what I needed to hear this morning. How did you know?
I think the truth is that bloggers say what they themselves most need to hear. Happily it’s sometimes what readers are dealing with as well.
Excellent post Wendy! Thank you for releasing me today as I struggled to balance my already overloaded virtual desk piles. #agentlife #shameoffyou
Oh, Diana, I hear your pain. We long to do so much more than the hours in a day allow us to do. Blessings on your agent day.
With health and disability problems, an elderly and ill mother and relative (ahem) problems, plus my husband having a doubled set of the same, I gave up entirely that hope of finding an agent. Too many manuscripts lurking on aging laptops, I turned to Amazon’s CreateSpace. It’s not a happy thing, yet it beats an end to the writing. I stopped apologizing a long time ago, though the regrets linger. Part of life, I guess. Thank you for being so understanding. It gives me hope to hold that a day will come when dreams survive the battle.
Sounds like you found a good solution for this season of your life. Things change all the time and so will your solutions. A number of people are finding DIY publishing just the thing. And your words are getting out there.
And when this crazy-making season is past, you’ll be surprised to find renewed energy and fresh dreams.
A bandaid for a gaping wound, I’m afraid. At the rate I’m going, I’ll have to stop for lack of shelving.
5 creative nonfiction (practice of a sort), and 2 speculative fiction with another in beta read/edit. Plus a mainstream novel in progress. Notes for yet another in the spec fic series await their turn. Averaging around 4,000 words per working day (or rather “night”).
Write or bust. It’s pure escapism for me. 😀
This was interesting, and more important, very Empowering. I know that you Agents and the Editors work very long hours. Same for me, a prospective Author. In my case is not so much a deadline, when I am writing I put in about 2000 words per day. It is the fear of Failure, the fire in the belly that says “You must do better”. I think that all of us in the industry we love so much are guilty. So thank you, “Shame off me”.
2000 words a day is a great pace. And you know how destructive that fear of failure is. the only real failure comes with talking and talking about your dreams and never doing the work. You are doing the work. Success!
Wendy,
Thank you for this post. It’s such a relief! Blessings to Robin Jones Gunn for “Shame off you!”
* I’m well acquainted with shame and guilt, not so much with grace. I believe that’s why life is so stressful for me, along with the fact that I tend to be a perfectionist, which is not a good and healthy trait for me, contrary to what I used to believe.
*Lately I’ve looked at relationships and situations and I realized I’m NOT entirely responsible for the way they are. I’m responsible for my side, but not for the whole thing. Many reasons play into the whole thing; some of those I’m not even aware of and some I have no control over. Just realizing this has brought me some measure of peace.
*Just to make a general comment–It seems to me that guilt and shame often are linked to failing to accomplish something that we think of as important. But God values us regardless of our accomplishments or lack of them.
*I was glad to read your comment, Wendy, that sometimes delays in timing are really God’s delays. It’s so nice to hear a professional in publishing recognize that, though I wasn’t really surprised to read such a comment on the Books and Such Blog. It reminds me that I can only see one side, and only have one purpose in mind; God sees all, knows what’s needed, and His timing works to His end.
Wonderful, thought provoking discussion; some of the replies are vivid impressions of daily life in a literary agency. Several homilies come to mind: Lack of planning and preparation on your part does not constitute a crisis in mine. There’s never enough time to do it right the first time, but there’s always enough time to do it over. And the workers lament about an insensitive boss who seems to have the mindset that if a woman can have a baby in nine months, then nine women can have a baby in one. Shame off you! I’ll remember this one.