Blogger: Janet Kobobel Grant
Apparently the recent blog I wrote on publishing stresses hit home for many of you. One person asked me to offer more ways to de-stress.
I have survived decades of being connected to publishing, but I’m livin’ a high octane life, with stress levels rising daily. But, as I pondered the idea, I thought, Who better to write about stress than someone who is in the thick of it? So I’m raising my hand and volunteering, as a sufferer along with the rest in publishing, to write about what relieves stress for me and helps me to stay in this game long-term.
Resiliency
One concept that has stood me in good stead is recognizing that humans are amazingly resilient. We find ways to bend or stretch, to reconfigure our lives to fit “new normals” all the time. If you develop tendonitis, you wear a brace, learn to baby your hands, and avoid heavy lifting. Once the adjustment is made, life goes on. If you hurt your back, you move carefully, take pain-relieving meds, and do the stretches your physical therapist teaches you.
So, too, when you’re walloped with an unexpected deadline or a rejected but contracted manuscript, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and make a plan. I’ve learned that, when an emergency pops up in my work life, I concentrate on how to get the situation back under control, recognize my nicely laid-out to-do list should be tossed, and jump in with vigor. Working through the emergency rather than hoping it goes away constitutes a positive step.
Retaking Control
Much of the stress we feel in our publishing endeavors results from the lack of control. We didn’t plan for rejection. Or to get stuck on some aspect of our manuscript. Or on our coauthor to miss deadlines due to a family emergency. Neither can we make an agent, editor, or publisher say yes to our manuscript.
For me, figuring out what I can control helps to keep me from fraying around the edges. 
The other night I watched the film “Bridge of Spies.” Tom Hanks plays an American attorney trying to save the life of a Russian spy. When Hanks points out how poorly the trial is going and that the man might be executed, the spy displays little emotion. Every time Hanks says something like, “You seem to be taking all this well. Aren’t you afraid?” The spy answers, “Will it help?”
Being so emotionally detached doesn’t come easily for most of us, but since watching the film, I’ve been pausing to ask myself, “Will being [angry, upset, sad, fearful] help?” Seldom do I decide it will. I don’t mean that we should shut down our emotional responses to distressing developments, but I do think we shouldn’t live in the shadow of that emotion. Give yourself space to feel. Then move on.
Take the Next Step
Avoiding finding a solution but instead basking in the hurt of it all isn’t productive. You might not hit upon the perfect solution right away, but figure out what your next move will be, how you’ll adjust to the wallop you just received. Often solutions present themselves as you move forward.
Sometimes, to the observer, it might look as though I’m not dealing with the situation immediately. But I’m plotting a strategy, giving myself enough time to decide the best next step.
Avoid Impulsiveness
This is seldom the time to act on a gut reaction. That simply makes you mercurial and often causes you to take several steps back to–offer apologies for words spoken (or written) without adequate thought; clean up a mess you made when you trounced in too soon; repair damaged relationships with colleagues.
To de-stress, remember you:
- are resilient,
- can adapt,
- do have control over you, if nothing else,
- should avoid belaboring the hurt of disappointing news,
- can figure out one–just one–step forward and take it. You don’t need to find ultimate solutions.
What’s the first step (after prayer) you take when life punches you in the gut?
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Great post, Janet, and you’ve listed some wonderfully concrete steps that will help virtually all of the people in this community – and beyond.
* I suppose I’ve been facing a bit of stress; the past ten days have included drastically worsening pancreatic issues, a heart that’s doing weird and extremely uncomfortable things, a badly broken ankle, and the sudden death of a beloved dog. Having to watch him die, and being powerless to forestall it, was the hardest of all of these.
* Being a long-time Zen practitioner, I find that emotional detachment comes not from indifference (natural or forced), but from the understanding that life has its natural cycles, and that by accepting pain, sorrow, and their companions without complaint or resistance I can, at least to a degree, transcend their effects.
* As for action items, here are a few:
1) Maintain a normal work schedule, to the greatest degree possible. Continuity of effort builds a bridge over the abyss of adversity.
2) Exercise, because physical activity promotes ‘good’ chemicals, and gives a sense of personal control and accomplishment
3) Refrain from vain resentment, because anger at that which can’t be changed is merely self-destructive.
4) Frequent media that’s positive, but not unrealistically so. Sound Christian doctrine is good, but the televangelists who maintain that “Your big break is just around the corner!” can do harm through unrealized expectations. I have found my ‘big break’, my miracle. but it isn’t temporal It’s the realization that I can choose joy daily under some pretty unpleasant circumstances.
5) Reach out to others who are less fortunate, and encourage them. Remember that a rising tide lifts all boats – yours included.
6) Don’t give voice to negativity, especially in the form of sarcasm. Statements like, “It figures…I have ALL the luck!” merely give strength to and thus reinforces hopelessness and despair. (Sarcasm is the handmaiden of cruelty, and using it on oneself is, I think, something of an affront to the Almighty, for He is, after all, one’s Creator.)
7) Confide in trusted and positive friends, those who will offer a strong shoulder rather than Pollyanna’s Magic Band-Aid
* I’m not much of a football fan, and have no favourite team, but seeing this evening’s come-from-behind win by the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl suggests a few more:
8) Keep playing your own game; no one is better at being YOU than, well, you.
9) Never give up. Never, never give up. Never, never, never give up. (Thanks to Winston Churchill for that quote.)
10) Analyze what you have to do to overcome your deficit, and then do just that. Tom Brady, the Patriots’ quarterback, had to lead his team to two touchdowns with 2-point conversions in the last quarter, and planned his strategy to do just that. He didn’t try desperate ‘Hail Mary’ passes; he worked the ball up the field in short and attainable plays, unspectacular in themselves but stunning in their overall effect.
I think your #6, Andrew, is so true–it should be #1. I try to think of my words as blessings or curses. They don’t just dissolve in the air. They land at our feet, where they either fill the potholes or become stumbling blocks on life’s journey.
*Back in my housemother days, I learned that almost everything can be stated in the negative or in the positive: for a chore poorly done–“This table is a disaster, can’t you do anything right?” or “This part looks great, can you make the whole table look like this?” And for a behavior goal–“Stop throwing tantrums” or “Use words to tell us when you’re upset.” There is power in the positive. It turns a problem into an opportunity.
I bet you were a fantastic housemother, Shirlee! What you describe is just as good for adults.
Carol, I was a housemother at age 23, way too young for the job. I don’t know how much I influenced the kids, but they had huge influence on me.
Shirlee, I love this…”Our words land at our feet!”
Andrew, so many solid suggestions. Your #7 is something I have done many times. This writing road cannot be solitary . . . all the time. We need to stay interconnected with others if we’re going to keep a good perspective.
Jeanne, you’re so right. Without the connexions I’ve found in this community and at Five Minute Friday, I’d have likely quit writing long ago.
Numbers 3 and 6 in your wonderful list have been difficult for me. Number 3 brings to mind the 20+ years of anger, hurt, and resentment at a cheating father whom my mother divorced after the birth of her two children. My father never gave my mom a penny of child support and was absent from our lives until he decided to invite himself to my wedding. Anger burned within me even throughout the wedding ceremony. How dare he lay any claim to me! Several years later, I suddenly realized that my anger wasn’t hurting him. It definitely was hurting me and my attitude toward men. Right then and there, I gave it all to the Lord and haven’t take that awful weight back. I don’t want it anymore. I’m still working on Number 6, particularly as it pertains to careless, selfish drivers. I am trying hard to call other drivers nothing but ‘dude’ or ‘dude-ette’ when they do something rude or dangerous. I frequently have my grandchildren with me and am trying much harder to set a good example for them. Thank you, Andrew, for your terrific list!
Mary, I’ve been in that place too, with anger chewing me up while the source went blissfully about his business. I regret the lost time, but it was a lesson well-learned.
Andrew,
Lots of good suggestions in your comment. I need to keep #6 in mind, especially. I may not say it, but I think it, and the damage to myself is still done, because the attitude is there.
*I used to have the quote by Winston Churchill in my schedule book, and one year I wrote it on a kitchen calendar.
Thanks so much, Peggy!
There may be a ten-chapter manuscript in that list, my friend.
Damon, that never occurred to me…thanks!
Sensible, realistic points. Thanks.
Sounds like experience, and maybe you’ve read
“Stress for Success” by Ilene Birkwood.
I haven’t read Birkwood’s book, but I bet I would like it.
Great lists so far. I’d add one thing.
* Even the largest undertakings are the sum of several bite-sized tasks.
*Analyze that overwhelming problem, divide it up into smaller pieces, and attack those one at a time. If possible, start with a piece that you can solve quickly. It’s amazing how making progress, even just a little, can make the whole task seem less intimidating.
*Like I always told my kids when they complained about something being too big or too hard, you can eat even an elephant if you take it one bite at a time. It may take a while, so remember to look back to appreciate how much you’ve already done. Then refocus on the next bite to move forward.
My first step? In serious situations, I usually cry and make myself sick. All while praying and asking for prayer. Then I come together. Stronger. And I fight. And I know … I always look back and wonder when I’ll ever be able to skip that first step because … did it do one bit of good? Surely not. But, in a way, I think it helps release the stress. And like with the writing world, I keep being thankful for every open door, every opportunity to take a next step, every ounce of guidance.
*And thank you all for recent prayers regarding my family member. Since Jan 1, we are finally seeing improvement. 🙂
Wouldn’t it be great if we could skip the emotional reaction to the setback? It’s not always possible, and it does have benefit as a sort of release valve. I think the important point is not to get stuck on that first step.
I agree, Shelli. There is something cathartic in crying. I always feel a little drained afterward, but I also feel lighter, if that makes sense.
The chemical composition of emotional tears is different from reflex tears. They contain stress hormones. Studies have found that emotional crying releases endorphins, the natural painkillers and “feel-good” hormones of the runner’s high. So cry away. It’s really good for you.
*I never did at work where male colleagues could see me, but it was sure helpful to cry after I got where I could cry in private. My office was always a place where someone could come for chocolate, advice, and a good cry when my female colleagues needed one.
*I’m so glad to hear things are improving, Shelli, but I’ll keep praying until you say stop.
Don’t stop, Carol. Not yet.
Janet, there’s so much meat in this post! I really enjoyed, “Bridge of Spies.” I had forgotten about that line, though. It’s good to think on if our reactions/emotions are going to help the situation.
*When I’m feeling stressed, the first thing I do after praying is often to talk with a friend who’s further along this journey than I am. When I dealt with disappointing news last year, I thought through my options and figured out a good person I could work with to help me in an area I needed extra help in. And, I changed my timeline and goals.
*I’m going to be thinking on the great suggestions you’ve offered here.
Yes, I love that goals, like our manuscripts, can be adjusted. Thank goodness.
Wow, Janet, how timely and insightful this post.
I’ve been off the grid for several weeks. Most everything ‘normal’ came to a screeching halt. After months of pain, elimination of possible causes, the diagnosis of a hernia on Dec. 12th, the holiday season which impacted my surgeon’s schedule, and the availability of the robotic surgical equipment he preferred (for a number of excellent reasons), I am now slowly on the mend. (Surgery on Jan. 31st.)
While not ‘publishing stress’, It’s difficult to put into words all that God has done and is doing through this process, but dealing with the stress of chronic panic, detours and delays, has taken me to a new depth of trust and surrender. “Where else could I go?”
Your points are meaningful, however, this one strikes a chord…”Being so emotionally detached doesn’t come easily for most of us.” Not being able to get rid of the 24/7 physical and emotional pain, I have had to learn how to sink beneath the surface turmoil of the waves to the quiet place below.
Thank you for sharing this with us…and for the gift of time and space to share with all of you. 🙂
P.S. Andrew, my thoughts and prayers to you as you are no stranger to suffering.
Micky, your recent bout with physical and emotional pain reminds all of us that sometimes the brute force of pain intrudes and doesn’t relent. Finding that quiet place beneath the waves is sound advice. Thanks for sharing it.
This post and the responses are so profound someone should use them in a book.
Janet, want to write it in your spare time? 😉
Janet, um….uh…hm, spare time..
Thanks for sharing your tips for handling stress, Janet. I really like that line, “Will it help?” I do tend to worry and fear too much, making me stressed, when, in reality that never helps! I’m going to have to remember this line to challenge myself with when those feelings overwhelm me. Thanks!
Jerusha, that question has certainly helped me to gain perspective and to keep my emotions from amping up.
This may sound lame, but a cup of tea and a chat with a few select friends who know me extremely well, and my parents, always serves to put it all in perspective. Especially talking to my dad. When I hear his accent and he tells me about seeing this doctor for that ailment, and always brushing t off as no big deal, I am immediately reminded that any disappointing career news pales in comparison to losing him.
When I chat with my peeps. I get everything off my mind and enjoy some Early Grey at the same time.
And even lamer? Sometimes I go to the local thrift stores and do a bit of retail therapy. Considering that nothing I find will cost more than 20$, and usually I find something for less than 10$, the whole “hunt, gather, and conquer” thing is over and done with before I do any real damage.
I’m not one for holding things in (Realllllly, Jennifer?) so getting it all out and dealt with is better than trying to contain the hurt. At least for me.
If it’s summertime, and I have an antique project going, then I get out the sander and grind away the blues.
Yes, I admit it, sometimes I have a pity party, but those are a waste of time and the guests are always whiners.
Great post, Janet, and funny timing… I’m speaking to a group tonight on the topic of managing stress. I’ll share some of the same points you shared here. A couple things I would add. (1) Count your blessings rather than your burdens. You may have to look hard for those blessings sometimes, but they ARE there. (2) Stay connected to God through His Word.
Now to apply what I preach…that’s the real challenge! 🙂
Great minds and all that…
Janet,
When you wrote “you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and make a plan”, immediately I thought of a song in which the chorus was, “pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again”. (That may have the title too). The song was popular probably during the 30’s or 40’s. Nat King Cole had a big hit with it; a lot of other singers performed it as well. That song kept running through my mind when a store I worked at was closing.
*I never saw the movie “Bridge of Spies” but I need to remember the “Will it help?” line.