Blogger: Mary Keeley
We are involved in many types of human relationships: spouse, children, parents, in-laws and other relatives, friends, church groups, neighbors, service providers. The list goes on. Add to these our professional relationships, which will be the focus of today’s conversation: authors and critique partners, agent, editors, publishing professionals, bookstore owners, interviewers. Relationships take work. Healthy professional relationships take deliberate action.
One of the best pieces of advice I received early in my career was to focus on
what the other person needs. That shift of attention helps take your mind off yourself and goes a long way toward relieving self-consciousness and nerves. The challenge then becomes finding the balance where both parties get what they need. I said “working toward” because you can only control your own behavior and words and integrity. These tips will help you to do your best as a writer to foster healthy relationships with the professionals in your life.
Establish your foundation of honesty, integrity, and full disclosure.
I once had a client who was multi-published before we entered our partnership. You can imagine my surprise at learning of a broken author-publisher relationship from the editor when pitching a project, rather than from my client. Over time several more overlooked details surfaced and a trend began to emerge. A house, and a healthy relationship, cannot stand strong on a shaky foundation. I no longer represent that author.
Go the extra mile.
Take every opportunity to be supportive and make a contribution in someone’s professional life. Stay up late a few nights to turn in your manuscript early, easing your editor’s heavy schedule. You’ll win your editor’s appreciation. Offer to mentor an aspiring writer free of charge. What publisher wouldn’t enjoy working with an author who is willing to work extra hard to discover and initiate creative new ways to market and promote their book? Writers who are known for giving generously of their time and knowledge build a reputation as someone who is a pleasure to work with.
Assume that negative feedback from an agent or editor is meant to be constructive.
I don’t think any writers working hard to succeed will ever reach the point when bad reviews and rejections roll off their backs. And it shouldn’t because it may point to areas you need to improve. Occasionally though, a professional might be overly harsh in giving feedback. What a difference it would make for potential relationships if, instead of letting it crush your spirit, you were to choose to forgive excessive criticism—after all, we all have a bad day once in a while—and gratefully accept and apply the constructive comments. This mindset returns blessings to you:
- It nurtures growth of the thick skin you will need to rise above adverse circumstances throughout your career.
- You show professionalism, which will be noticed.
- You maintain confidence and a positive attitude.
Take responsibility for mistakes willingly.
If we’re truly honest, aren’t we all tempted to try to hide mistakes or failures sometimes? The author, agent, editor—any professional, really—who owns up to mistakes and offers a sincere apology, before it is requested whenever possible, shows trustworthiness, humility, and respect, the ingredients of a healthy relationship.
Communicate honestly.
This is the area where balance is especially important. Communication involves listening as well as speaking. Being a good listener, you hear the other’s perspective—say it’s your editor—and then balance it as objectively as possible with your own perspective.
However, when it’s time to speak, it isn’t helpful to hold back from giving your honest assessment of critique partners’ work because you don’t want to discourage them. The key is to deliver it in a positive way. It isn’t in your book’s best interest to be less than forthright when you have serious issues with the cover or editorial changes or when the publisher hasn’t followed through on a promise for fear of being labeled a troublemaker. Being able to express yourself to professionals confidently with grace is vitally important to a healthy, balanced relationship. Always consult with your agent beforehand. She knows the best way of approach. Agents want to give clients the opportunity to exercise healthy communication skills, but certain situations might be best served by the agent’s intervention in order to preserve the author-publisher relationship. If communicating with publishing professionals is intimidating for you, read a business book on communication skills. Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People is probably the best known, but there are many others.
Which of the tips for healthy professional relationships is most challenging for you? Share a successful step you have taken toward a healthy relationship with a publishing professional. What have you learned from a relationship that didn’t go so well?
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Mary –
Thank you for these words. I love how this post reminds us to follow Luke 6:31. “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”
Amen, Carol.
I worked closely with a wise and godly Medical Director. We had adjoining offices, each with a door to the main hallway of the hospital. He left his door open and welcomed interruptions. I could hear the conversation, but I didn’t see the other person. I couldn’t tell from his tone or words whether he was talking to the Chairman of the Board or a bag lady. He treated every human being with the same interest and respect.
Mary, your useful list should be the hallmark of all relationships. If we treat everyone that way, we won’t have to make a special effort for publishers and agents. That said, I do try to contain my exuberance, at least for the first meeting (I struggle with that gentle-quiet-spirit thing; I tend more to wild gestures, hoopla and drama).
A wise man indeed, uniquely gifted for the position he held. And great point, Shirlee: “If we treat everyone that way, we won’t have to make a special effort for publishers and agents.”
Agents and editors want to see authors enthusiastic about their books when pitching. It shows passion, which usually shows up on the written pages. But I know what you mean about containing inner hoopla. It’s another area needing balance.
I love the idea of full disclosure. I love peace … placing my head on my pillow at night in peaceful sleep. Mary … I thought of the Scripture … Romans 12:18, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” As far as it depends on you. I love that.
Shelli, yes, that verse in Scripture is a perfect model for us to follow.
Wonderful advice, Mary. There is a lot to help us in this post.
Kristen, I’m glad you found it helpful.
This blog post highlights exactly why Books and Such has such a stellar reputation. It is a high calling for all of us to behave with the other person’s perspective in mind. I hope I do.
What blows my mind about the publishing business is how vastly different it seems to be from other businesses. I have probably already done a dozen things wrong and made a dozen people mad at me or rolling their eyes – just because I made assumptions that the rules for the rest of life and business apply to publishing. They don’t.
I follow a couple of blogs just to hear the blogger rant about the idiotic things people do who don’t understand the industry. I try to learn from other people’s failures and try to avoid those things.
I do know this: the golden rule, honesty, and integrity apply to all situations. Thanks, Mary.
Humble thanks for your kind affirmation of our agency, Sheila. I’m sorry to hear you’ve received less than gracious reactions from publishing professionals. The best line of defense is to educate yourself about the publishing industry by attending workshops on this topic at a writers conference and following author, publisher, and agency blogs. You’ll get a big-picture grasp of the industry and how to make your approach.
Sometimes the worst in people comes out during challenging, changing times like the current publishing climate, but you’re right: “the golden rule, honesty, and integrity [should] apply to all situations.”
Great post, Mary! Your suggestions make a lot of sense.
I haven’t had any relationships with publishers yet. But what I hear in your words, and what I see in my life is that humility and grace strengthen relationships.
Years ago, when I was a teacher, I had a single mom who heard what her daughter told her and came in to talk with me loaded with anger. What I discovered helped the most was something you mentioned: listening. I didn’t interrupt or try to defend myself. When she was done, I shared “the rest of the story,” the parts her daughter omitted in her telling of the event. In the end we were able to work things out in a way that helped her know what was going on, gave me better insight into her daughter, and in a way that worked for all.
Sometimes the best way to defuse anger is to listen first, and then to share your perspective. I’ve tried to remember this lesson.
Very sweet, Jeanne. Sometimes just being quiet … then let God do His thing.
Jeanne, that is an excellent success story. Thanks for sharing a great example with all of us.
It’s interesting to me, Mary, how many of your points rely on honesty. Truthfulness is absolutely crucial to every single relationship, and it grieves me that so many Christians seem to think that honesty is optional now. I heard a sermon series on the Ten Commandments several years ago in which the pastor said that it’s okay to lie in certain circumstances. We don’t attend that church any longer. As you said, we can only control our own behavior as we speak the truth in love. Great post, and thanks for speaking the truth.
Yes, it is cause for grieving. Being human, we are susceptible to adopting the world’s value system. I know specifically of a School of Business at a prestigious university where deception was taught as a good business tactic. The end justifying the means. We have to resist that tendency in our personal and professional lives if we’re going to honor God and reflect his character.
Oh my!!
We do give our kids permission to lie in certain instances, which are :
-surprise parties
-surprise parties
and
-surprise parties.
Or if they feel that the truth would be so catastrophic, that only an adult (that they would immediately find) could handle the situation. Like, a huge crime or something.
I try *REALLY, REALLY (!!!!) hard to act like a grown-up, but sometimes (like, every minute of every day) I’m in way over my head.
When under duress, I try to apply the “Jennifer Principle”. Which is “What would someone with class and elegance say?”
Then, I channel my inner grown-up, smile and calm down enough not to lay on the thick Canadianisms that are BEGGING to come out. Oh, and I force my head not to tilt and that eye roll to cease.
And mentally taser the Spanish subtitles.
My first ACFW was a bit of a whirlwind, so I asked writer friends what to do, how to prepare myself and what to wear. I listened and took their advice.
That is HUGE. Taking the advice given.
Mostly, I do my best to listen to my the answers and advice of my agent.
Which is Greek for “drive her to melt vats of melted chocolate and consume it with a soup ladle”.
Is this full disclosure, Jennifer? You know we in this blog community know and love you for your honesty and witty contributions to the conversation.
Thank you, Mary.
Yeah, I guess it’s full disclosure. I’ve given up on thinking I’m the mature one around here. Of course, that actual thought process may have lasted all of 3 minutes.
Thank you, Mary, for another great post.
You’re welcome, Betsy.
Thanks, Mary, for this post. Books and Such blog is an answer to prayer for me–the prayer for help in learning how to act in a kind, mature, responsible manner. I haven’t had many models of that, but reading the articles and comments is certainly making up for that lack.