Blogger: Rachel Kent I don’t know about you, but I spend a lot of time feeling guilty. I’m either not working hard enough, or I’m not a good wife, or housekeeper, or mother, or dog owner. I’m actually a terrible dog owner these days. The poor guy never gets a walk. There are only so many hours in the day and we can easily make ourselves feel guilty about just about anything. For example:
- An author-friend commented on Facebook that she feels guilty for accomplishing a lot while her children are in school.
- Another friend of mine feels terrible for having to ask for help with her kids when she has a lot to get done while running her in-home business. She feels like she’s a bad mom for not watching her kids and for putting work first and also that she’s inconveniencing the person she’s asking to help.
- Another friend was moaning about being sick and needing to rest. He felt guilty for spending time sleeping so his body could recover.
Why do we do this to ourselves? We are doing the best we can each day. It is fine to take the time to work hard on writing or working! Through working hard for a period of time, we are more free to spend good quality time with our families when they get home from work, school, or grandma’s house.
Using time when our children are happily occupied away from the house–either at school or other some activity–is not something we should feel guilty about.
It is fine to take a nap when you are sick or even if you are so exhausted from your daily routine. Exhausted people aren’t productive anyway and a grouchy husband/wife/mom/dad isn’t always a good one. If we take time to rest, we can do a better job in our relationships and with what we need to accomplish after we rest.
It’s okay to take a few minutes to walk the dog and it’s also okay to skip the dog’s walk now and again.
And it’s okay to ask for help! Those who are in our lives offering to help usually feel special to be asked.
So let’s all stop feeling guilty no matter what and start reminding ourselves how well we are doing with all we are trying to balance.
We are amazing creations! We can accomplish great things with God’s help!
Do you struggle with often feeling guilty? Is your guilt misplaced?
Do you have any ideas of how to tamp the guilt down?
Well, sure, I can get rid of the guilt.
First, a lot of the guilt comes from comparisons. I’m not good enough “compared to _________”.
The blank is filled by a person whom we might see, but whose full circumstances we don’t really know, or by a standard set by a stranger who wrote a book or article, and who could arbitrarily make performance distinctions at a whim, with sweat.
Sometimes the standard with which we compare ourselves is closer, and perceived to be well-known – that of our parents. “I’m not as good a wife,mother, and housekeeper as my Mom!” is a common complaint among women, and “I’m not as good a Dad and husband and provider!” is a male moan. (Sorry if it sounds sexist, but that’s how I’ve heard it.)
We can’t know the situation of someone else, the factors that allow or force what we perceive to be “good” to develop. Even in our parents’ example, much of the married relationship is and should be hidden from children. (How many kids saw their parents’ “perfect” relationship end in divorce?)
So we’re trying to base our three dimensional lives on two-dimensional, static images. We’re trying to match depth and warmth and movement to a picture in a magazine, turn our lives into a sort of frieze, to say, “There! That’s how it’s supposed to be!”
But a frieze is marble, cold and still,
it’s never moved, and never will.
If the guilt’s still stalking you, here’s another rock to sling at it. This kind of guilt is not Scriptural.
Jesus has enjoined us to love our neighbors as ourselves.
Would you walk over to your neighbor, and say, “I think you’re a lousy parent?”
Would you invite your friend over for coffee and tell him, “You don’t walk your dog enough, and your yard’s a mess?”
Sure, you might THINK those things, but then you’ve fallen into another of Jesus’ Little Traps…you’ve looked at the mote in your neighbor’s eye while ignoring the beam in your own.
While this may seem to circle back to our own “justified” guilt, it doesn’t. Jesus is merely saying, “Don’t judge, so you won’t BE judged.”
And He’s adding “Not even by yourself.”
We’re harder on ourselves than we would ever be on a friend, or a stranger. We reserve the most sublime cruelties, that we may deliver them in a mirror.
Sometimes it’s a spur to performance or to intentionality – we see our genuine failings and call ourselves short.
But more often, we try to find failings, because we simply want someone to whip. Most people won’t sit still for a flagellation, but we can tie ourselves to the post, and bleed for our own entertainment.
I feel guilty sometimes. Because of physical circumstance, I am not now that strength which in old days moved earth and heaven…
And I feel bad about that. What I could once do is out of reach. If I push to reach it, I’ll find myself passed out on the floor, bleeding. Heck, I do that a few times a day anyway.
…but that which I am, I am.
And I am ‘here’. I can do something, and do it to the best of my ability. I can glorify God by steadfastness, and through encouragement of others. I can show love and compassion, even…sometimes…
…to myself.
Andrew, so beautifully stated. I think we need to even be careful not to compare ourselves to the standards we THINK we should be meeting. Rather, we need to look at what God’s standards are for us. Each day, each moment. Thanks for this nourishing food for thought!
You are an encourager, Andrew. Everything you said it home. An I do think the person we are the hardest on is most often ~ myself.
Agreed! Thank you, Andrew. You are an encouragement to me!
Some guilt comes out of idealized comparison. I was weepy about going back to work after our last child was born, and my father chided me: “You think my mother spent lots of time with her children? Back on the farm, when doing the laundry started with chopping the wood for the fire to heat the water? Even working full-time, you spend more quality time with your kids than we ever got.”
Guilt is good when it leads to repentance. But our enemy uses guilt to interfere with God’s plan. Here’s the bottom line for me: Am I doing what God calls me to do? Then I refuse to feel guilty.
Great way to keep the guilt in check! Thanks, Shirlee!
Timely post for me. I have spent the entire summer feeling guilty for leaving my three kids home alone while I worked. Even though my oldest is 13 and I was gone just five hours a day at the most, I felt the angst. School starts Monday and I now feel guilty that I am happy to send them to school so I can lose my guilt about leaving them home. I’m guilty about not feeling guilty – or something like that!
Our society teaches us that everything is possible. We see what others are doing and we assume we should be doing the same – and if we’re not, something is wrong with us.
For me, when I see a supermom, I assume she does all I do in addition to all she does. I have to be careful about that. No matter how hard I try, I am not going to be able to find the hours to blog, write books, cook gourmet meals from scratch, keep a manicured yard, clean my house, exercise every day, have pets, take kids to practices, read to my kids, vacation, work, meet friends for coffee, lead youth group, teach Sunday school, you get the idea. Something has to give – we must be happy with parameters and balance!
I joke about being happy with mediocrity. But it’s freeing, really, when I reach a point when I can be happy with something being “okay.” I am not beautiful, but I’m okay. My yard is full of weeds, but it’s okay. When I can lose guilt about not being perfect, I can be free to enjoy and thrive and focus on what I SAY are my priorities – my faith, my husband, my children.
(I think I may use this comment as my blog post today. Ha ha! Thanks for prompting me to think about this.)
Your thoughts resonate with some of my own, JJ. Especially the part about feeling kind of happy that my kids are back to school. 🙂 But on a serious note, I too have to remember that everyone lets things give somewhere in their lives. Thanks for that reminder.
I didn’t even think to mention my yard as something I feel guilt about! I’ve been using the drought in California as an excuse for the dead lawn. 🙂 I love your list of priorities and I am so thankful I’m not the only one struggling with this.
Thank you, Rachel. This is an important message to get out.
I spent a good deal of my early life (until age 30)feeling that I had to be perfect–not just do things perfectly, but BE perfect. Then God woke me up one day. I just suddenly had the understanding that since humans, by nature, aren’t perfect, it was unreasonable and illogical of me to expect myself to be perfect. I am now a recovering perfectionist. I still struggle with guilt but I’ve learned to be gentler with myself. Actually, what I’ve learned is to try to be as compassionate and patient with myself as I am with others. You mentioned that we are all trying our best. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I’ve done the best that I could at THAT moment, even though I might not have done as well as I could have on other days. I’m not good at allowing myself to be sick or in pain or tired, but I’m getting better at giving myself permission to rest or to slow down a bit. God said we should love ourselves as well as love our neighbors. So I try to remember that taking care of myself is according to God’s will.
I find the safety instructions given on planes helpful in regards to this. The flight attendance, when showing how to use the oxygen masks, always say that a parent should put the mask on himself / herself first, then put it on the child. That seems counter-intuitive, but it makes complete sense. If the parent doesn’t take care of herself first, the parent could pass out and who would take care of the child? The caretaker must take care of herself first. If she doesn’t, she will not be able to help those she cares for. These thoughts help me to be kinder to myself, take care of myself, and feel less guilty doing it.
Enjoy your weekend!
Great example with the oxygen masks! 🙂 I love that!
Rachel, what a great post! I’ve been contemplating comparison this week. And I agree with the above comments that often guilt comes from comparing ourselves with others and finding ourselves lacking.
I’ve definitely fallen into the trap of feeling like I should be more than I am, do more than I’m doing, spend more time with my kids, sleep more, eat better, and on and on. I’ve felt guilty for spending time writing instead of with my kids or my husband. I’ve felt guilty for letting my house get dusty and the piles grow into sky scrapers so I could take more time for writing.
I still have to remind myself that it’s okay not to be actively involved in our church’s women’s Bible study for this season of my life. Right now, I believe God has shown me to spend that time other ways. And it’s okay.
When I’m feeling guilty, I’m learning to pray about it, to spend some time talking with God about it, often in a journal, and to accept the truth that with Him in me, I’m enough. There’s nothing to feel guilty about if I’m walking where He wants me to walk. Clinging to this truth is what I’m working on.
Great post today!
“With Him in me, I’m enough.” How very true, Jeanne. Thank you for the blessing of the thought. 🙂
Thank you!
Oh, yes! Summer is especially tough, because the kids are underfoot. Even though my two are 14 and 12, I feel guilty that I’m not “making the most” of the time I have left with them. And when I take a morning (or several) off from writing, I feel guilty that I’m not working! Just the other day my 12-year-old said, “Mom, you’re always on the computer!” I had to remind her that I’m not playing video games, I’m WORKING. She doesn’t seem to get the difference. I don’t know if this is an answer to the guilt, but I’ve decided to take it easy the next week and pour a little more attention into her before she heads back to school. I’ll just work a little harder in September. 🙂
🙂 Sounds like a good plan!
Oh, guilt … I know it. Terrible enemy. 🙂 But it does prompt me to action at times. I’ve been trying to edit my MS, and I love working on it. That’s what I want to be doing … but yes, the house gets dusty, cluttered.
If I don’t pour on the guilt, someone else pours it on me. But … we can only do so much. The house … if I can just keep it presentable.
And my precious daughter’s favorite song that she plays in the car continually is “Fall Apart” … 🙂
I try to invite people over every once in a while so my house actually gets clean. 🙂
Amen and amen!
Excellent post, Rachel. Thank you!
Rachel, I can really relate to your words… even the part about pet owner guilt.
One of the things that has helped me to feel less guilt is the fact that my teens have learned to do more for themselves. They’ve developed skills such as cooking from scratch, loading and unloading the dishwasher,and sorting and washing their own laundry.Because they miss how spotless I used to keep things around home, one son even vacuum cleans and my daughter cleans the main bathroom.
Wow! I couldn’t get them to do this before I got heavily into writing. Necessity has become the mother of my children… sort of. I still give them the love they need.
Blessings ~ Wendy ❀
Wendy, you give me hope for my 10 and 11 year olds! 😉
Those are skills that will serve them well! 🙂
Yes, I play the guilt game often. My kids are between 15-21. I TRY to “be there” for them and stop what I’m doing to give them needed attention. (My kids, after all, are my first priority.) That being said, they also understand how important writing is to me and need to respect my time. I can’t tell you how often I’ve been interrupted! And yes, I feel guilty when I tell them to “wait a minute.” We’re all learning how to give and take. Thanks for the encouragement, Rachel. No more guilt!
Thanks for encouraging me!
Yes, with four kids I’ve certainly dealt with this. I’ve found that what helps most is taking my days one at a time. In the morning, I pray and look through the day ahead in the presence of the Lord (ideally! I’m not perfect at this yet!). And I try to discern what’s most important *today*. And then I just follow through those priorities in order.
Deciding first, rather than letting myself be tugged around by the pressures of the moment, seems to help a lot.
Not that I don’t have to bend with the realities of the day – after all, “no battle plan survives first contact with the enemy”!
This post was so relevant to me today! I actually took a day off of work from my day job (kindergarten teacher) to stay home and clean house. I teach all day, teach gymnastics after school and then sit up late working on my wip. I think my son was getting lost in the filth and my husband was on the verge of divorce. So I stayed home, slept in late and then cleaned. My house is back to normal…for a few days anyway. 🙂
Good for you! 🙂 And I bet the extra sleep was welcome, too.
I certainly understand and experience guilt from time to time. I often wonder if I’m carrying my share of the load in my local church. I’m transitioning from children’s church to an adult ministry and am not sure how this will affect the time I have for writing and being available to assist those in my new group. God has shown me that my writing is ministry, so my prayer is that God help me to focus on one thing at a time and be fully present in that moment. When I’m writing, it’s worship; when I’m teaching, it’s also worship. I guess I’ve answered my own question. I just need to settle it in my heart. Some days I get it; other days I pick up the struggle again.
Amen!
Amen, Sister! So needed to hear this today!!
Rachel, what a terrific blog!
And I think we writers tend to take guilt to a whole new level.
I used to walk my dogs everyday. Tonight I sent my husband and daughter out with the dogsters. And there must be something wrong with me because I do not feel guilty at all.
I am way behind in my office organization at the moment because I am actually rewriting after a two-day writers workshop.
Dinner was a reheat of last night’s tuna casserole. It tasted even better tonight.
Today is a good day.
Now if you blog tomorrow ~ I may be feeling guilty about something I don’t get finished by tonight. And the odds of that are pretty dern good.
You are so right ~ we are amazing creations and we can accomplish much with God’s help!
I need to remember that when tomorrow does not roll as smoothly as today.
Thank you, Rachel!
Thank you! My dog is staring at me right now. Perhaps I’ll take him for a little midnight stroll. 🙂
Sorry to be responding to everyone so late today! I ended up getting a bad cold. Lol. I decided to let go of the guilt and take a LONG nap today and it was wonderful. Still feeling a little under the weather, but I am much improved.
Ugh!! I totally relate!! I’ve felt guilty all summer. Guilty for not plotting a novel because I was driving my kids to daily sports practices. For not visiting my dad more than once a month. For not calling my mom more often. You name it–I felt and still feel guilty!!
Great Sharing. It’s nice to know we both struggle, and are working on being healthy in this regard. This is a topic near to my heart as my book, “Give Yourself a Break: Turning Your Inner Critic into a Compassionate Friend” will be released by Revell in July 2015. Loved reading everyone’s comments 🙂
I have struggled so much with guilt! But I love helping people out when they ask me to– makes my day when I get to hang out with somebody else’s kids! So why not give other people the same day- maker? 🙂
Anna