Blogger: Rachelle Gardner
I had an interesting revelation recently, regarding the topic of comparison. I was going to meet someone I hadn’t met before, at their house, and I was nervous. Will their house be more beautiful than mine? Will it be bigger and will they have better furniture? Will I be intimidated?
I was nervous about meeting this woman, the wife of my husband’s friend. Surely she will be prettier than me… skinnier than me… much, much cooler than me. And of course she’ll wear better clothes.
Why I get caught up in these mind games, I’m not sure. When I think this way, I am at my worst ― insecure, timid. Self-focused rather than compassionate.
When I actually met these people, they were great. And the futility and ugliness of comparison whacked me upside the head. I realized how comparing takes away the humanity and uniqueness of others. It makes me see them only in light of how they compare to me.
Comparison has two possible results: either puffed-up pride if I compare favorably, or insecurity and ingratitude if I come up short.
The act of comparing also puts us in the position of being “judge.” In order to compare, we must make a detailed assessment and judgment of another’s worth, then decide where we stand by contrast.
Ugh.
Comparison is normal, but we have to fight it. Those of us in publishing are especially susceptible, since there are so many others with whom to compare ourselves! Why did that writer get a publishing contract when I still haven’t? How did that other agent snag the writer I’ve been pursuing? How come other authors seem to have better marketing / higher sales / more blog hits / whatever?
There will always be someone richer than me and always someone poorer. Some people have bigger houses than mine, some smaller. Some people have published more books than I have, others none at all. Some people get more blog hits than I do, some get fewer. Futile, ridiculous, pointless… and dangerous. That’s what comparison is.
I’m trying to remember that life isn’t graded on a curve, that I don’t have to measure myself against anyone else’s success. I can look at others for who they are, and leave myself out of the equation. Learning from others is fine and useful, but comparing is not.
I have to set my own yardstick for creating a meaningful life, for finding my purpose, for fulfilling my dreams. Only then will I be free to claim my life as my own; to own every success and every failure; and to live free of comparison.
Have you ever struggled with comparison in your writing life? How do you deal with it?
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Life isn’t graded on a curve – and other thoughts on comparison. Click to tweet.
Ever think about how comparing ourselves to others deprives them of their humanity and uniqueness? Click to tweet.
Comparison has two possible results: either puffed-up pride or insecurity and ingratitude. Click to tweet.
There’s a Blackwater poster which reads, “Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am!”
That about sums it up for me. Let others compare, I’m cooler than Alaska.
Seriously, current circumstances in my life have helped immeasurably in damping down the “rubbish-tip fires” of comparison. You know, the fires that smolder underground, and really, really stink.
I’d love to be agented, to have a contract, to be interviewed by Oprah. I’d love to subscribe to the New York Times just to be able to turn to the bestseller list, and do a “We’re Number One!” Snoopy Dance.
But looking into the muzzle of eternity, I find that there are other things that matter more.
And foremost among these is celebrating the success of my friends.
The thing is, we are here FOR each other, not to compete with each other. “The first among you must be the servant of all…”
We’re here to encourage and uplift, and to trust not that our time will come…but that it HAS come, and is being fulfilled in truly caring about another’s joy. “There is no greater life than to lay down your life (and your dreams!) for your friends…”
We’re here because we can’t do life alone. Any of it. It’s not a quid pro quo, either.
It’s simply that the writer whose success I may be inclined to envy is also a Child of God, and his or her success is an occasion of delight for the Lord. It’s not about me, but I’m invited to the celebration.
I’d rather party hard with the Almighty than lean against the wall outside and pout.
Well, a bit of a Freudian slip. Hey, it’s zero dark thirty here.
It’s supposed to be “no greater love” and I wrote “no greater life”.
But maybe it fits, at that.
“It’s simply that the writer whose success I may be inclined to envy is also a Child of God, and his or her success is an occasion of delight for the Lord.”
Andrew, I can’t tell you how many times you’ve articulated (beautifully) what I am thinking. It happens time and again. You do it with grace. With compassion. Without qualms.
Many of your expressions of truth have made it into my quote book. 🙂
I thank you.
Jenni, thank you.
It’s such a privilege to be a part of this community of hope!
Simply beautiful, Andrew. It pricked my heart–in a good way.
I have no doubt God is refining your publishing future at this very instant.
(And why am I up at this hour you might ask?)
OK, I’ll ask…why ARE you up at this hour?
And…thank you. I hope God’s working on my publishing future!
But I have to think of Moses, and David, and Howard Gilmore, individuals for whom God had His own plans.
I’m sure that Moses wanted to get to the Promised Land, but his role was to be a road leader, and a shepherd. Those abilities often don’t go with static administration, and God knew that, even if Moses didn’t.
And David laid the logistical foundation for the temple that his son built, just as necessary a function as moving stones and tying rebar (well, if he HAD rebar).
And Howard Gilmore…as XO of the submarine USS Shark, he survived having his throat cut by thugs in Panama in 1936.
He lost his first wife to disease, and in early 1943 his second wife fell down a flight of stairs, putting her in a coma.
You’d think God had something special planned for Gilmore after all that. And yes, He did.
On the night of February 7, 1943, he was commanding USS Growler, and prepared for a surface attack on a Japanese convoy in the Bismarck Sea (near New Guinea). An escort vessel saw the submarine, and charged in to ram, her crew firing machine guns at Growler’s bridge.
Gilmore saw that a quick submergence was the only chance to save his boat, but he was wounded, and couldn’t reach the hatch to the control room.
So he gave his last order – “Take her down.”
When we give ourselves over to God’s will, it may be quite a ride, and, like Peter, we may be led places we don’t particularly want to go.
But we’re never alone.
Andrew, I love your heart for encouraging others. And your truth that we don’t wait for our time to come, but instead live like it HAS come? Such a needful perspective. That one struck me between the eyes today. Thank you for speaking words of life. Again.
Great words, Andrews. “smolder underground, and really, really stink.” I love that! Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
Rachelle, I think if we’re honest we all struggle with self-comparison from time to time.
On the best of days, it may spur us on to greater achievement. When our strength ebbs, it cripples.
I want to be a light. I never want to be the stumbling block to someone else’s advancement because of the dreaded self-comparison trap.
You’re a singularly warm and bright light, Cindy. I’m sure that there are many people (not only writers) who, like me, print out the encouragements on your blog to refer to when things get dark.
You make the world a better place.
Andrew, I appreciate your kindness. You humble me–truly.
(And I was up late washing tennis uniforms because our daughter’s match went late and she needed them again today. Just call me Supermom. 🙂 )
Cynthia, I too want to be a light and not a stumbling block. But that flash of envy sears through my soul more often than I like to admit. I pray for the day when I no longer hide my immediate response to someone else’s success, the day when my reaction is emptied of myself.
Cynthia, you are a light. 🙂 Sweet encourager.
Great point, Cynthia. Comparison can spur us on, if we approach it the right way.
Thank you Rachel for these words of encouragement this morning. Your admonition reached deep into my heart. Often in this competative world it’s hard to keep our eyes on the One that matters. You often gently encourage me to turn my head and keep my eyes on that One.
Kris, you’re right, this world makes it very difficult! We’re all here to encourage each other.
Rachelle, excellent points addressing a problem I believe all of us have at one time or another. “Life isn’t graded on a curve.” I think I need to come back to that particular phrase often. Thanks for the reminder.
Doc, I find it encouraging that even esteemed physicians and brilliant authors of medical suspense might deal with this every once in awhile. At least I know I’m not alone.
Rachelle, you nailed a topic that has affected humanity from the beginning. The apostle Paul refers to it too: “…but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise” (2 Cor. 10:12). The temptation is always there, of course. But may each of us strive to be exactly what God intends for us to be, without worrying about whether we fit God’s mold for another. Blessings to you!
So true, Rick! Ever since there has been more than one person on earth, there has been comparison. How we each deal with it makes the difference. You’re right, focusing on what God wants US to be is the key.
What a great post, Rachelle! Yes, i’ve struggled with comparison, usually the kinds that leaves me lacking and wallowing in insecurity. But, I’ve never thought about comparison from the perspective of being a judge, as you mentioned. “The act of comparing also puts us in the position of being “judge.”
As for dealing with comparison in my own life, I’m learning to identify it sooner. It’s a thought-war, where I must keep my focus in the right place. I am realizing that when I’m comparing myself to another, I’ve taken my eyes off of who Jesus says I am and placed them on someone else. I need to remember my identity is in Him, who He says I am, not in how I measure up compared to others. It’s hard to remember this all the time, but I’m working on it.
Well said, Jeanne. It is a thought-war, and you’ve reminded us of the solution. “…Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith….” (Hebrews 12:1-2) We ought to be running the race set for US, not someone else, and fix our eyes on the end goal — Jesus.
That deserves an amen. Amen!
Meghan, what a great verse to remember. You’re right—we should be running the race set before US, not someone else. 🙂 Great truth!
Jeanne, I think ‘Thought Wars’ would be a great title of a book.
I love your writing voice. It draws me in and helps me think the deeper thoughts and ask questions about what’s really going on in my heart.
I look forward to joining in with your’s and others’ Snoopy dances (that Andrew mentioned)as each writer, here, celebrates an open door.
Blessings ~ Wendy ❀
Thank you for your kind words, Wendy. And I look forward to celebrating you too!
Jeane – great point about learning to identify it sooner! This can help all of us. Thank you for the insight!
I struggle with comparisons in writing all the time. Just when I feel I’m “arriving” at being a moderately ok writer, I read an astounding novel (sometimes in my genre) that makes me feel inadequate and chasing a pipe dream. As if my books will become the wallflowers on the bookshelf next to these amazing writers who seem to have the perfect balance of everything. Yes. I struggle with comparison, and while I know the “right” answers, it doesn’t make it go away. :/
But remember – you’re looking at your books with the ‘inside knowledge’ of the seams, and gaps, and compromises you had to make to get the things written in the first place.
The books you see on the shelves are the end result of a grooming and winnowing process to which you don’t have access – you only see the “seamless” finished process.
It may be that those authors will see your work…and despair of being able to match your grace and skill.
I guess it’s not a matter of making it go away, but managing it, and finding peace in the midst of it. A lot of commenters here have some great ideas!
Hi Rachelle,
As I read thorough your post a second time today it dawned on me that agents ask us to compare ourselves to others. In creating a proposal, we’re asked to compare our books to other books. This is so intimidating. I understand why we’re asked to do this, but as an unpublished author trying to find an agent this is the hardest part of a proposal.
Thanks for sharing this post today. (All of my friends who have you for an agent always say how amazing you are.)
Jackie, I remember Rachelle once saying that it’s more: if you liked this, you might like this.
If you liked this book … you might like mine.
That really helped me. They aren’t the same, but have some similarities …
Hope I understood that correctly. Makes it a little easier.
Thanks, Shellie. That helps a lot.
Yes, I’ve actually addressed this on the blog before — the idea that sometimes comparison is good and necessary.
But of course, being forced to “go there” when you’re creating your proposal can be emotionally difficult. We all have to learn to compare from a business perspective, but not let it get us down.
Beautiful, Rachelle. This is what I love … people being real. We all feel it.
When a blog post has zero comments … I think to myself: I must be boring. The temptation arises to turn off comments, like some well known writers … I won’t even think about it. Let the blog be between God and me. But then I would miss the comments of love and encouragement I receive at other times, especially from my beloved writer friends.
How do I deal with comparison? I acknowledge that yes, there are better writers than me. Simply gifted. And I purpose to learn from them … but only as far as their help aids me on my own individual life journey. I’m not taking their journey or yearning for it … I’m taking mine and trying to make it the best I can, asking and listening for God’s path, God’s way, God’s way for me.
And I pray with all my heart, regardless of how my writing journey ends, others will remember — what a gift to be remembered — that my heart belongs to Jesus.
Shelli, your writing and blog are beautiful. After visiting it I feel refreshed as though having had a visit over tea (or coffee) with a girlfriend.
I didn’t mention chocolate or cookies since I’m still full from breakfast.
Blessings ~ Wendy ❀
Thank you, Wendy! You are definitely one of those beloved, encouraging writer friends! I just ate an Andes chocolate mint! 🙂
Shelli, it’s good to acknowledge that there are writers better than we are. I love your mindset to learn from them to grow on your individual journey. And I agree with Wendy, you write beautiful posts, meaningful. You’ll be remembered. 🙂
Thank you, Jeanne! 🙂
Shelli, all each of us can do is be the best “me” possible, right? It’s hard to accept that we all have unique journeys, but that’s the way it works. I’ve struggled with comparison but I keep reminding myself, I can only be me.
Rachelle, the comparison temptation is knocking on my door this week. My husband has a new job and hence a new boss…and his boss wants to meet the family (Yikes!). I won’t compare homes since they live in a gated community and we live in a 1940’s house (that I adore), but I will have clammy palms–for sure.
Thank you for helping me (& others) not feel alone. I used to feel even more insecure about my writing after reading a friend’s blog two years ago. But I now realize that there’s more than one way to tell a story…her way is more literary and mine is more meat and potatoes with some garnish here and there (and a few sprigs of humor).
I think we need to rejoice in the success of others and delight in what God is doing in our own writing life and heart. Variety is good.
Blessings ~ Wendy ❀
Wendy, I love your reminder to both rejoice in the success others experience but also to delight in what God’s doing in our lives. 🙂
Wendy, I hope when you visit the home of your husband’s boss, you’re able to simply focus on THEM, on getting to know them, asking them lots of questions… and appreciating them for who they are. Let us know if it helps to vanquish the comparison beast!
Great advice, Rachelle. I’ve already started thinking of questions (about them) that I want to ask. They must be wonderful people, since they were trying to get my husband to join ranks with them for over a year. 😉
So so true. Comparison requires focusing on yourself rather than your Lord and how He would have you treat this person. A dangerous game.
Yes, sometimes focusing on yourself is right and necessary, but comparison isn’t one of those times. Great point!
Great post, Rachelle. This speaks right to my heart in so many ways — and in so many areas of my life! Ultimately, comparison can steal our joy in living. It makes us discontent. I love what you said about it stripping away people’s uniqueness. That’s a point I hadn’t thought about before.
The thing is, it’s okay for others to be better at me than something else. The great thing about being a Christian author is that we’re all striving for the same thing — so I should rejoice when others get published, because that means there’s one more book out there proclaiming the name of Jesus. If we could only focus on the bigger picture all the time, how much happier and content would we be?
And yet, I still struggle. Guess I’m only human. 🙂
Yes, we are all only human. But you know, we need to remember that there is room for ALL of us to succeed, it’s not a zero-sum game. And each of us has a journey that is singularly unique.
I struggle with comparisons outside of my writing life way more than within it. While the number of ideas is limited, I feel the ways in which each writer brings an idea to fruition are endless. Have I ever read a book and wondered how a person has a contract while I am still looking? Sure. But it’s not what I focus on because I know God is in control and things will happen in His timing, not mine.
Oh wow. “I know God is in control and things will happen in His timing, not mine.” Wonderful point.
It may be significant that we generally begin comparison with the assumption that we’re somehow deficient…and the comparisons we pick are chosen to reinforce that hypothesis.
We’re always comparing uphill, and into the wind.
But there are comparisons that are good, and those are the ones that look to gratitude. FDR enunciated them well with his “Four Freedoms” campaign during WW2 – Freedom from Want, Freedom from Fear, Freedom of Worship, Freedom of Speech.
Americans looked at that, and realized that the comparison from the top of the hill meant that there was a need for the moral resolve to reach down and pull others up.
“There but for the grace of God go I” earned real meaning in a world gone dark.
For writers, maybe it means different things at different places along the path. A published writer can reach back and encourage me, by remembering where she was, all those years ago. (And several have!)
And I can at least encourage someone to the point of thinking that they really CAN write a book-length story, and have it hang together coherently…because once I didn’t see how I could possibly get there.
Maybe the whole comparison thing is dependent on the direction in which we’re looking?
One thing I’ve always said, “You only envy out of your lack.” You basically said the same thing — we are only tempted to compare when we think we are lacking. Maybe we need to focus on what we HAVE instead of what we don’t?
You only envy out of your lack…
Beautiful. Seven words, and you’ve got the sum of everything! 🙂
I feel a little like the odd one out here. I don’t compare myself to others, and I’ve never understood what motivates people to do so. The concept sounds like a race you can never win. Other people are who they are; I am who I am. I’m too busy dealing with my life to worry about theirs.
Which isn’t to say I’m not mindful of others, that I don’t have compassion for their trials and struggles. Quite the opposite. I celebrate others’ successes and mourn their losses as any feeling human does. But envy (which is the root of comparison) is not something I have time for. And I definitely thank God for that.
Well, Elissa, you are certainly fortunate! What a wonderful way to be. We can all learn a little something from your perspective. Thank you for sharing!
Hi Rachelle,
Thank you for a great post!
I reflected on how I’m dealing with the insecurities of being a novice writer, learning each day how much more I have to learn…yikes!
But I’ve tried to put things in perspective and it helps to think about my career in healthcare and the years of training and experience it took to become proficient. Then I reflect on how far I’ve come on the journey, including taking that first step of putting pen to paper!! And joining ACFW and the Northwest Zone, finding a great crit group in Boise, working with a freelance editor to help me along the way. AND, of course, following the Books & Such blog…so professional, informative and heart-felt.
Thanks to all!
Kathy
Kathy, if you are able to accurately see the journeys of other writers, you’d see almost everyone has a long, difficult and circuitous path. In that way, comparison can help! You are not alone.
***light bulb flash***
You are so right, Rachelle! I think the reason I’ve been drawn to this blog is that it provides a glimpse through the ‘window of the soul’ of other writers. I appreciate everyone’s willingness to share their journey.
Hi Rachel, I’m ducking my head right now because I’ve been properly scolded! I struggle with this a lot. I have some fabulous amazing writing friends and critique partners who I constantly compare myself to. There are days when I read something and think…I should just throw in the towel right now.
Thanks for the post and the reminder that I began this journey because I have stories to tell…stories that I hope will touch people’s hearts. No one can tell my story like I can…even my wonderful, amazing, fabulous friends. 🙂
LOL, I didn’t mean to scold! We’re all in the same boat. But only YOU can tell your stories, so tell them!
Edwin Arlington Robinson would like to chime in on comparisons, but as he’s been dead for seventy-nine years, I’ll act as his locum…
Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.
And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
‘Good-morning,’ and he glittered when he walked.
And he was rich – yes, richer than a king –
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.
So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.
Well said: “Futile, ridiculous, pointless… and dangerous. That’s what comparison is.”
Comparison is toxic when it fuels unfriendly competition with others. It’s better to compare myself with myself–How is my work ethic today? Am I growing? How are steps going towards my goals? Am I incarnating Jesus as only I can? 🙂
“Am I incarnating Jesus as only I can?”
Bravo!
A powerfully important message, Rachelle! You get inside all our heads and remind us of the futility and wretchedness of the comparison game! Thanks for this important post.
. . . I’m constantly comparing my “house” to my dog’s “house”.
She has a larger flat-screen TV than I do – but I have Netflix.
Your pet has a larger movie package; instinct.
“Comparison” is a relatively ‘easy’ synonym describing the sin of covetousness Ms. Rachelle. My soul writes your soul writes, every soul writes inwardly. Every soul is beset with a covetous nature. In the beginnings, Gods angels in heaven coveted. Eve in Eden coveted. God, himself who shall know no sin; in scripture describes himself as a jealous God.
The soul writing outwardly about covetousness, creating a gravity of literature warning of the covetous story, is of a fashion we all should desire to undertake. I have written(oh my god, he’s black(gravity), you have written here and elsewhere. In human measure, covetnousness has become forever and a day; the commonplace. Colossians calls out covetousness as idolatry. Write on, write on, write on. Amen. -sidney,